Tracking and Accountability with Paint.

Empty days lead to a haunted brain. So, I go against the grain and sign up for the outpatient game. Such flounce just to say I'm trying once again to play by the systems rules. I have given in and I don't completely trust that it won't drive me completely  mad. I'm already being driven crazy by reality.

Wind and rain storm my window and yet I sit here flat and unwell. Rain offers such inclusion to the world. The other day I found myself walking back from the hospital. Rain running down my face. Soothing the burn from too many tears. The wind wrapped me in it's bitter strong cocoon. Screaming in my ear, "Hear me for you and I are real."

A junkies wake up call has never been so lovely.  

It had been two weeks since I had last seen Mccay the all mighty. I ranted, raged and used some wonderful analogies to explain where I was and how I'd been. He commented on my pressing need for help and his recommendation of a Social Worker. As someone who used to be a lesion between individuals and their social worker it's a slap in the face from reality that I currently need one. He also increased my medication and  brought up what he thought was the long wait I had for PPHP. I mumbled something along the lines of well they had called but... and left it at that.

Truthfully I want to give up, sell stock and fade away. I want this with everything I have and yet. What if somehow I can turn this story around? Half painted dreams follow me down the street and I can't help think, what if? Anyone can kill the goose when she stops laying golden eggs. It takes a stronger person to hold on and see what will happen next.

For the goose, for my trip down the rabbit hole -  I must try. 

I must try to find the tricks to keep breathing. Sell the fire so I can keep on living. Trade in the old for now. For when tomorrow comes I can learn anew. The real trick isn't selling out, but holding on. I just need to get out of the fire for awhile. Bitter, twisted, little me does wonder what it will get me. So far it's 6 weeks of PPHP starting on Tuesday.

When I first wrote this I had to stop. I could not carry on as I felt rage and fire burning up my arms. Spinning my  brain to agitation. My poor tormented head was screaming, "I hate this. I hate being trapped to a keyboard and a screen." I had planned to talk about hope. To share with you possibilities. Proof that I could dance without the pain. Instead  I was left with a bitter shell of a post. I would have left it up, to show what walking away and washing away the heat and pain can achieve, if I had thought of it soon enough.

I should stop here because I don't know if I can control the storm inside of me. The burning that attacks all reason. I didn't ask to be here. I didn't ask to be born. To live. To be made to carry on. Will nothing sooth my ragged nerves. I desperately need canvas and red paint.  I want to set fire to this place. To the never ending torment. I wan to watch it burn as I slowly get my wish and turn to ash. This is a nightmare I cannot leave.

Until I awake. Till I give into the voice bigger then mine that leads me away from the rage. He offers me a haven in His arms and when I let Him, He takes it all away.  I admit that I am scared. That fear makes me angry and agitated. That lashing out didn't get me very far but letting go of the fire didn't lose me words. Didn't lose the battle, or the passion. Most importantly, it didn't lose me. It did unlock me from the all consuming fire that had me in a death lock.

I know that I am not alone when I say, "The unknown scares me." Talking to my second favorite OT and hearing her acknowledging, heck - hearing Mccay acknowledge that it is a hard and scary place. Made it a little bit okay. 

Find all the truths you can. They will be your life boats. 

Tonight is a night I need lifeboats. I didn't have a chance to finish this /edited/ post before game night. For all the moments of aw and win and La being amazing. I was crashing and burning. I also had two thoughts I want to elaborate on in the future.  " I don't like that girl.(The girl none of the girls in Edmonton like)" and "empty = eating." 

I swear to you, my lost and dancing girl. This like all things is only for now. 

Love you, Love me - Anyway.