Sketch out from here to there, for him for her. My thoughts laid bare. Truth is hard. It hurts with it's sting and bite. Once uttered it can not been unsaid. Truth doesn't lay flat. It attacks. Ripping down walls, hedging the bets. I can be won with truth. I understand honesty anything less and I get lost in the camouflage.
Yet, when everything was happening in December and January my mother chose to keep the cause of what was happening to me unknown to everyone but the family and a few close friends. At the time it was her decision to make and I know it would not have been an easy one. I was not ready then to have the weight of everyones gaze and possible judgement on me. I found it unbearable that my family had to know.
In truth I still find it unbearable. Part of me wants to change my name, cover myself in someone else art, and run. Run far away from who I am and what I've done. So when my mother made the choice to tell people I had Aspirated Pneumonia and she almost lost me three times. I made the same choice. Until I wanted to break the silence and the stigma attached to BPD and make my map (blog).
Your story, your truth. Share it wisely.
Reputation is often all one really has. Everything else can be taken and I know as I admit to what I tried to do I blacken mine. As I speak the twisted truth a little more of the image I have spent years creating gets a little bit darker.
How do you trust the young woman who wants to die. Who had no respect for the laws of God and fate that she desperately tried to end her story, her life on December 27th 2009. I wish I could say that living was the best thing that ever happened to me and have myself believe that. My thoughts are not as often rainbow colored as one might guess.
It's scary standing up and saying hey I'm crazy and here is the crazy. Every day I battle with the demons. I hit breaking and then keep going. I have to leave a map behind for others. No matter what happens. I might not want to be here. I might try to rip myself to pieces more often then I'll admit too.
But for now, I'm still fighting. It's just an ordinary day and I might win, I might even lose. I've been battered, but I'll never bruise. So way-hey-hey, it's just an ordinary day and at the end of the day, you've still got to say it's all right. It's okay.
See that girl on the street, what keeps her from dying
Let the say what they want, she won't stop trying
She might stumble, if they push her 'round
She might fall, but she'll never lie down
Thank you. For standing in your own ways with me. Don't stop loving me anyway?
Really like the music video at the end. Fantastic lyrics. A suicide attempt is what got you into the hospital, developing aspirated pneumonia was a complication that resulted from the attempt. It is hard to know what to say when you're in the moment. I know I was such a flood of emotions - and had to focus on helping you pull through. Yes there were setbacks along the way - but physically you did recover.
ReplyDeleteI know that we have a lot to be thankful for and encourage you to keep writing.
I love you!
Mummy