Captured and Thanks

The captured moments between screaming and bleeding are surprisingly soft. Sometimes even sweet. My life isn't all dark. I'm not always fighting the edge, drowning in blood or frozen. In so many ways I am richly blessed. Joy tugs at my lips, love flutters from my wrists and I see wonder almost daily. Yet I find capturing those moments so much harder. The light slips from my hands and I'm left wondering if it was all a dream. 

I am not empty. I am not over. I am not near the end. I am sometimes blue and unwell, that is true. 

It amazes me to see Borderline grow. I sit here letting  Not the Prettiest  flood my ears. Songs on repeat make the best traps. Lip gloss is a wonderful invitation and I just wanted to thank the collection of people who have found Borderline and stuck around. I can't tell you where the story is going. DBT is still a year away. I've got loose leaf plans.

I can tell you, that I'm currently smiling. I can tell you that I'm spinning in my chair. I can tell you that right now there is enough of K to love me anyway. I can tell you that I'm going to be geeky tonight. I can tell you that my heart has a song. Or a song has my heart. I could tell you about boys with floppy hair. I could tell you that my Mum is back from India. 

I could tell you it will be an adventure, but I think you already know that. 

So, thank you and love. 

Anyway love,

             K

p.s  "You don't have to be prettiest to be loved, just the way you are."

10 Minutes

I'm not sure how to start talking in text today. I have a laundry list of things to share, stories to ramble, words to spin. If you want to be a writer, you write. Sounds simple, and yet I look at my fingers and wonder if they'll be the key, my escape path., a way to the top.

My platonic wife says I write beautifully, even if it's sometime in code. My mother says I have talent. Meanwhile I cut into soft flesh with simple little keystrokes and  try to capture the monsters.



For now, my 10 minutes have fled and I've got to run to class. Love me anyway? Always?

- K x

Fight the No

I gave into the spin, and I fell. I stood slightly to far left and started drowning in judgement. My blood wanted to drip down frozen arms, my heart wanted to escape. I tried to stand still to let my heart catch up, to sooth the angry voices yelling in my ear - but in the end I walked out. Got a refund, and walked away crying, hating ever inch, every pound, every scar.

I don't know what is happening to me, I cant escape judgment, I'm loosing patience, if it's not perfect I don't want it. I made room. I made room for the big personality, the big hips, the big moods, the big stack of learning. I set up the new year to have balance. I reached out and I thought I'd be doing so well, so why am I falling? Why am I failing? Why does my mouth taste like hate and my throat burns with all the times I didn't scream.

If I could flick the switch I would, the world looks so empty. I'm being poisoned with my own self hate.

Oh God, I give it all to you, I call out to the heavens and pray that you sooth my angry heart. Help me God find something to hold on to, help me Lord turn to the light because the dark is gripping so tightly and I am so scared.

Oh God, Love me anyway - because I can't anymore.

Faded

Some days it will feel like I've hit the wall.  Hit. Hit. Hit. I wonder if I can shimmy and  then splat. My skin started to burn, I wanted to scream the place down.

  My name is Katrine and I want this all to much.

Mark my arms with frustration, wish briefly for blood and then swirl the pen to make it look dizzy. I wonder if I'm screaming yet? My fingers slide over the keys typing out this sorry attempt at release. Feet tap away at a beat not completely mine.

Shall I slip my skin and step into the shell you offer me? Shall I break the chains and paint the cell with dreams? I wonder how you can be mad at me, even when I go to dream land. Or maybe I just miss read everything I tell myself.

 

I feel my lunges filling as I drown in the burn, the burn out, the disconnect. On the outside it could have been said there was no need to worry. Is that why I now feel the need to act out? I'm worried, I'm so worried about K lately.  

Another day to late to call Mccay and make an appointment, but an appointment to say what? We've done everything we can till DBT? I refuse to be chained to an hospital bed, I don't need that kind of wake up call and the price my soul pays is to high for me to try again. So I'd rant, and maybe something will click. Tomorrow, maybe - I'll start to try again tomorrow.

Then I start to wonder, if I had turned myself inside out, if I just found a way to push in the right direction, would this day have been better?  I'm sitting here frustrated that the keys aren't banging, the prose isn't clicking,  my blood isn't painting the picture of the demons dancing over my heart. 

I want to bath in snow, light my skin on fire and die over the last piece of cake. I want to head bang in a loud crowd till I'm mixed in with the lost and found, to bruised and blue to be K anymore. Sub in the over share, the devil may care, the lab from hell, all the kind reminders that I don't fit, I'm not the type, it's killing me.  Or it's keeping me alive.  

I want you|understood| to wrap me up, rock me till the fire soothes,  kiss away the blotchy mess and find away to have me dancing before dinner. 

Shall I be pretty? Could I be witty? Tie me to the end of your kite string and launch me to the moon. Maybe even love me anyway. I don't want to be a shell.

- K

Full

Forgive me, the world is soft, fuzzy and scented with steam and baby powder. I almost shared my thoughts in a jumbled facebook status message, but I thought this might be worth keeping. Rather then let it get lost in the internet waste land. 

My room is messy, my body stiff from drumming the sky and painting the walls. In other words I did Opal a Nia routine tonight. I have homework left undone, laundry not folded, things I could be doing.  Then again I could be building a snowman, painting, or watching t.v. 

The truth is I'm tired and I'm full. 

Full of wonder, full of Nia, full of new bus routes, full of storefronts and the bright lights thanks to a few hours  wandered Whyte Ave, full of really good sushi, full of hot showers and full of yummy cake. 

I'm also full of doubt, questions, dark depths, gremlins, and in then end it's all going to merge together, and I'll wind up being an awesome grown up. 

Can you tell that tired hit, and the words faltered? 

Ah well, at least I'm sharing. ;) 

Love, anyway 

- K

Fat - and other words.

or, When food is love

I don't think I'm ready to write this yet - but at least now I have a place holder.

- K

Lost - and found

Things I've lost in the last few weeks:

(in no real order)

• My wallet*
• Tears 
• My passport *
• Dear James Letters 
• My mind 
• Exam rooms *
• Glitter
• My backpack *
• Control *
• My heart *
• Anger
• My dinner 
• Fear 
• 2010 ~ 

Things I haven't lost in the last few weeks:

• Me. 

<3 
 

Dear World, it's enough. <3

* (have been found and returned.)

~ ( and I wish it well)