- Day 15 -

*I went outside, a walk on my own and wandering with someone else.

*I got active and then ate way to many gummy bears. (Gummy is not a food group I should really go shopping for more food soon.) 

*I tried on all my 'summer' clothes to decide what fit and what needed to be packed away. An when I have hangers and feel like lugging the big bag down to the basement I will. 

*I did my laundry. I folded and put away last weeks laundry. This does not mean that I folded and put away this weeks laundry ...

*Reorganized my draws and toiletries. My room still looks jumbled and full of things but to the trained eye I'm slowly turning it into my home. 

*I spent time talking to a wonderful friend. It was good to catch up and have a sounding board. She's lovely. 

Stuff happened is my point. I  I even made my bed. *Yawn* and now I might take a few days off. ;) 

I know it's a long and windy road lacking in cool special effects so thank you for walking it with me.

Love you anyway. 

- Day 14 -

* Stood up for myself and was able to kick crazy in the ass.

* Walked to game enjoying every moment.

* Getting stuff back to the new place and organizing it.

I don't want to give the world words tonight, but I made it to two weeks. I think now I need to find away to bring more of my map to this journey I'm on.

Lost in thought so love me anyway.

Lucky -Day 13-

(3)I'm going to slow dance in my bedroom to old crooner songs and I'm going to grin, maybe cry and feel the strange feeling of happiness wash over me.  I'm going to lead myself in my own dance tonight. 

(1)I ate ice cream. To much ice cream but it helped show me the line of enough so next time I'll be okay with having the just right amount and not feel like I'm missing out. 

(2)I went and found not my he in the basement and watched buildings almost explode because I needed people, and because he kind of rocks like that. 

I didn't leave the house, do my laundry or change the world. I just lived. I just breathed. I got triggered a few times and kept on going. Katrine found me today and I LOVE IT! I really do. Tomorrow I'll work on being a grown up, doing a bit of cleaning, putting together my closet. After the roller coster and the melancholy I needed a guilt free Katrine day and I got it. So huzzah and happy dance! ~  

My plans for the upcoming week include drinking more chai with new people, sending letters to someone kind of shiny, getting to the sprinkler park, treating myself to cheap movie day, a movie night with the boys, game night, moving some of my belongings into the new house with the current yellow bed  and on Sunday church. 

I live, breath and create my own adventure. 

Now if you excuse me I have to get my dancing on. 

Love you, Love me  - Anyway. 

- Day 12 -

Saturday almost got lost in an avalanche of melancholy. I spent the day in a state of hyper alert sleeplessness. I wanted sleep. I wanted to curl up in my yellow bed and forget the world was happening. Maybe it was the yellow sheets or last weeks rise and falls but I kept waiting for something, anything to happen. My room was building up in mess, eating got pushed to the sideline as I sat and tried to pull the world where I wanted it.

I will give myself that, while I have yet to get what I asked for. I asked. I reached out and laid my cards on the table. I did the scary dear world, I stepped up and I said this is me and I'm looking for you and then I did everything in my power to start letting go.


Finally after hours of waiting, chatting, pointless emails and doodle god something snapped. I stopped pushing and let the world happen around me. I didn't close myself away and make the world come find me - I just stopped pushing and the world delivered. Motivation and company were found at exactly the right time and I went for a walk. A ramble in the park and I enjoyed the setting sun on the duck pound, the feeling of dusk as it wraps around the park . It was lovely.

I don't have a third solid way I found Katrine on Saturday other then I road the avalanche and in the end I came out even. I didn't get lost, buried or defeated. I win by default.

Love me anyway.

Make a Wish - Day 11 -

Friday happened. I think this is the most I can say for Friday. It happened, I was there and it wasn't half bad. The constant state of hope has taken a battering and even as I try to leap into the great unknown I feel kite string anchoring me to the ground. What did I do to find Katrine on Friday? To be honest I'm more curious as what Friday did to find Katrine, but that would be a different blog.


Step one - I actually left the house for game night. It was a close call due to the late call from the friend who drives and the fact that I was tempted just to hide.


Step two - Keep active and bustling enough during game night to mostly enjoy it. I nommed down on the pulled pork ( maybe a little to much due to the shear amount of people that came later), I soaked up the cuteness from shiny happy little monsters, I got my chai on with the bird, I played two different games, managed to hang out with old and new people with out over acting. When it was all said and done did I have a good time? Yeah. Was the onslaught of people and chaos and stuff kind of overwhelming? Heck Yes. I made it work though. I was a lot better last night then I was a year ago. I road the social wave and it was all good.


Step three - Got my wit on - but that is a whole other story.


Not sure how I feel about love today, but love me anyway?

~ * Day 10 * ~

Double digits dear world. What to say about day 10? It had it's moments and along the way the three things I did to find Katrine were; dealt with banking, stopped before full, and changed my sheets from blue to yellow! Little things, but things. At the end of the day I do have to say, it's okay. 

Love me anyway. 

- Day Nine -

Dear Katrine,

What happened to when you fall I'll catch you? The world is not your safety net. Far from it the world is your open ended adventure, it is full of unknowns, possibilities and boys that don't call you back. If on day nine you want to take take a break from it all I understand. You have every right to be hurt, to feel let down, to wonder. Just don't let the wind blow pieces of you away.

Worried about you,

Katrine

What do you do when the fleeting, flickering light of possibilities turns out? When you play the game knowing that losing might trigger the big bad. When it does trigger the big bad? Maybe day nine isn't a holiday from the project but more a challenge.

I found Katrine by admitting I was scared and feeling fragile. Not a pretty state to be in, but where I am. It is what it is. Huzzah for finding peace of mind in the storm of crazy.

I found Katrine by allowing myself to write this post. Sitting down and mapping out my thoughts and trying to avoid judgement is always a good exercise.

I'll be finding Katrine when I go play at the sprinkle park with some bubbles and maybe a slushy. Sometimes the best adventures are the ones you have all on your own.

I confess I need you to love me anyway.

- K

Undone Words - Day Eight -

Fitting that as we hit day eight it starts to get harder to find Katrine. Harder to reach in for the words. My platonic wife is going to kidnap me away from the blues. This is not a post, it's a page from a sketch book that one day I'll come back to and find the glitter in it.

I felt like today I was willing to trust in cliff jumping and for a moment was going to let someone else catch me. Until they let me fall. It's going to take a little while for my thunder to come back to me. I hate the fear almost as much as I hate the fall. Maybe this story will turn around and there will be a happily ever after -for now- and maybe there wont be. I am finding the little voice of reason that makes this okay.

My three things were; Being open with Mccay - getting there on time and remembering to ask all the questions and writing down the answers was a good solid step in finding K. Reaching out and deciding to give in and try, to trust the unknown and the possibilities. Call my platonic wife for a change of plans, a night with dessert first followed by love, chatter, evil plots and sushi. Knowing that I was hitting a low it was a smart call to call her.

Love you today, love you - anyway.

- K

Day Seven!

My brain decided the best thing to do last night was break. That between the sleeping, the misadventure and the emails makes day seven in this year of finding Katrine a funny day indeed. I just want to pause for a moment and say I feel slightly stiff writing this. Maybe it's the sleepy, the Mccay, the spinning fuzzy brain. 

Restart. 

Enjoying the rain and savoring the thunder, admitting my brain broke at game crying and letting the group move on around the pieces of me, taking a chance on a late night walk and a daydream that proved to be loverly. 

Dear World, 

I think I like this new adventure. 

Thank you, 

                 Katrine 

Love me anyway?  

-Day Five - Day Six -

Breakfast with a bird and her crew, doodles that dazzled, tucking in two very cute monsters. Saturday was a fun, different kind of day. Sleepovers and babysitting will do that. The time spent talking with the bird is also on my list.

--

Sleeping in, sitting in the sun watching boys bounce and a bird shine, making game night happen at last minute. I spent the weekend away from my four walls and it was okay. It was good. I did good. I got slushy's, money, cups of chai, an over flow of cute, and stories from the brain of a 6 year old.

--- I am I am. Love me, anyway.

-Day Four-

A huge pot a chai, afternoon naps, and going out to game night are three ways I found Katrine today.

Little things to find K -Day Three -

I did more then three things today. I did countless small little things to find Katrine. I worry that going so big that on days when I can only do three things I'll feel guilty. This project isn't supposed to be about guilt. It's supposed to be about map making and highlighting the light.

Thursday was stretched out and full of sleeping, a little dreaming. To show what I brought to Thursday I am going to break it down the big/little things that got done.

1. Reclaimed my room.

* Cleaned, organised and tidied my room, even did a bit of decorating)

* Folded and put away laundry.

* Unpacked the big box.

2. Acknowledge the good I had done (with my room.)

* I'm struggling to put this into words. To explain the background off needed to stop and acknowledge that I did something and it's good. So after I finished cleaning my room I stopped and I broke it down. I acknowledged that I had done a good job self motivating and that I now had a clean room to enjoy. I sighed with relief because I had done all that and felt a small sense of accomplishment. It was also aw inspiring that this cleaning spree did not come from a manic place, a angry place, or as part of any 'evil' plan. It's something that needed to be done and I did it- and it's okay. In someways walking myself through that thought process was harder then cleaning my room.

3. Gave my self permission to interact.

*Often my first choice is to want to be around people and then hide in my room anyway. I broke that pattern by finding not my mister in the basement and joined him for most of a movie. A rare kind of treat that I should try to do more often. I have to remind myself he's not that scary.

*Called someone shiny for coffee or dinner.

4. Asked for help when I thought I needed it.

* The joy of having a platonic wife and a star is often complicated by life, but still very much enjoyed.

*Spent time talking with my mum who let me unravel parts of my thoughts before she had to rush off and I had to go to sleep.

5. Allowed my self to sleep.

* Both after a day off not sleeping and then later that night when I went to sleep before 11pm .

* I also let myself walk away from a good time because I knew I was getting sleepy and while watching Angel episodes with not my mister was fun I thought my bed wanted me more.

6. Left the house just to go fruit shopping.

*Enjoyed picking out food for the next few days.

*Took time to just enjoy the walk even with the slight pains.

7. Wrote this blog.

*Breaking down and sharing the little things from my day and trying to highlight them as wonderful things that I have done makes me feel a bit silly. I am not so self absorbed that I think anything I did yesterday was truly out there. It's so easy to judge oneself, to undermine all that we do for ourselves. In lots of ways in all the ways my life is hard, it's also pretty easy. Right now I just have to breath, tomorrow I'll start walking and one day I'll dance again. I want to down play the breathing, I want to punish myself for not walking, not dancing in life. The sidelines are boring. But you know what, not breathing is scary and fighting for air isn't easy. Not at first. Not all the time.

My name is Katrine and I'm breathing - all on my own. Love me anyway.

Little things to find K -Day Two -

Wandering, Rambling, Old Friends. 

I wandered in my little back garden and spent time enjoying the sunshine. I also figured out how to find the back garden from the front off the house. A mini adventure. 

I spent time rambling, talking and dare I say bonding? With Mr. D. 

Slowly ate an orange and enjoyed every moment Fruit does taste so much better then candy. It's got more depth, texture and juice! 

Little things. Picture my post of little things as post it notes pinned to a huge communal bulletin board. 

I welcome you to share with me along the way the three things you did today in the comments. :) 

Tell me a story.

....and I'll love you forever.

Stories have this way of capturing me. They always have. I wrap myself in the images of a life that is not mine, in places unlike the one I am in and for moments I am set free. So often I turn to this blog in anger, pain, frustration, a sense of lost. It's true I plan the most convenient time to die at least once a week. I hate the thought of being to far away from home just in case the world becomes to much. Gremlins you see are a horrible problem in Alberta. I hide from the world but more importantly, or more pathetically I hide from myself.

The big bad has locked me under the kitchen sink and is playing the role of Katrine without me. Thankfully this is only true some of the time. At times a glimmer of Katrine peers out from under the drain. The sun has been coming up slowly for the last hour. I had a wisp of a thought, I wanted to go daydream outside. I thought it would be a perfect place to nap for a few hours. What would the neighborers think? Oh dear me, what would Mr. D think? I doubt he'd notice since his morning rush is just that a rush. Yet, if he did catch a glimpse of me curled up next to the fence I doubt he'd be impressed. However that isn't the point. The point is I had a silly, dreamy idea and it made me smile. It made a little story.

A woman once spent a year cooking and blogging about it. She told the world a story and I fell in love. On the way I think she found her ground, her story and I think some of her heart. I am going to give myself a year. A year to expand this map. To commit to doing three things each day that make me a little less crazy. I'll be sharing about them here, hopefully they wont get lost in my 'letters', the rants, or the lost little girl hiding under the kitchen sink.

Last night while sitting in the corner of a booth full of wonderful woman, laughing talking about life, boobs and sharing stories that transcend all our ages I felt lost at times, deeply sad, wistful. Crazy had been building since Monday night. Yet I put these women together last night. These fantastic, inspiring, funny, witty women. We drank multiple cups of chai tea and I felt. Dear Katrine, I felt. Doesn't matter what I felt. Just that I felt safe enough to do so.

So on July 15 2010 the three things I did to help find Katrine were;

1. Took a new bus route, and enjoyed the scenery. 

2. Had "Dinner with Darling Women."

3. Let my mum love me, even when it got hard.

I love you, anyway. Thank you for reading. Welcome to my New Year.

With a grin, a dash of hope and the small wondrous feeling of growing joy.

Dear me not you.

Dear Katrine,

It's so easy to look at the world and to say the world hit me today. I was just standing here and the world hit me. It's easy to hide behind the cake, the fat, and the loud so when "nobody loves you" it's okay. They didn't reject you, they just rejected that facade. I'm sorry that I've been punishing you for years for not being good enough, for losing things that were not in your power to keep. I keep beating myself for crimes that everyone else has forgiven, forgotten or just never known. How long do you need to punish me before you can let go, move on, and love me. Katrine I want you to pick me, chose me, LOVE me.

 I've wanted you to fall in love with me for ages. You're my best friend even when I forget to say hello, or I'm sorry, or I miss you. I know you lose your words, you hide and your often really mean to me. Grow up. Stop playing the girl games with me. Look me in the eye and just admit it. You love me, you miss me. You don't need cheese to be happy, hiding behind the cake is a lie. The world is your play ground and I'm the one who is going to catch you if you fall.

Always, forever. I love you anyway.

Love, Katrine.