64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70

Tuesday 

So, I slept. I slept a lot. It was good to sleep, to dream, to just catch up. So to make up for all the sleep I'm going to do 6 things tomorrow. 

Wednesday 

I left the house bright and early and went for a walk to town. I dropped off my library books early. I mailed the letter to Asscare (and a Dear James letter.) I went grocery shopping and picked up fruit, vegetables and other mostly healthy things. I emailed off a job application. I tried to arrange gamers, and when it ended up just being not my he and me I was totally okay with it. I did have a nap but I didn't completely give in to hiding and spend the evening playing Duel and almost winning!  :) More then six different ways I found Katrine today! 


Thursday 


The smoke monster came to town, and I mean that literary. I however managed to brave the big bad out doors and the scary smoke making it to my downtown appointment early.  It was also a different part of the city for me and I managed to navigate with out a melt down. I got the results of more brain poking. Nothing was horribly surprising and they had some great suggestions for support.


Friday 


I spent most of today unwinding from the crazy smoke day yesterday. I did get out of the house, it felt like a mission to mars but thankfully getting myself together was worth it. Going to game was fun, I got to play a new game, see some old faces, gaze upon the cute  and just fill up on friendship. 


Saturday 


I did a general tidy up of the kitchen. Putting away clean dishes and cleaning the sinks. I picked up the floor of my room and did a little tidying.  I've also started working on silly little digital pieces and it's been fun and relaxing getting my art on! 


Sunday 


All about hiding from the gamers and not feeling all that well. Spent more time in the bathroom then I'm going to admit here. However I did play with art and even managed to finish and submit a few things to my deviantArt account.  A quite day, thankfully I'm starting to feel better. 


Monday 


I'm not a Rogers fan but I love my phone and my phone number and I really needed to get in gear and renew my contract with them. I'm not sure what the next few years will bring and with my life currently in transition I didn't want to splash out on a new phone and a fancy big new contract. Keeping it simple and hopefully keeping it stress free.  NAIT called and I'm in! I'll be starting school next week Monday so I did a bunch of running around for that. I also walked to game and just really enjoyed being with my friends and celebrating the fact that part of the hurry up and wait is turning into hurry up and go. 


Love me anyway, K 

57. 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63

Tuesday

A missed appointment with Mccay means the day didn't start well. Under slept and scared really isn't a nice place to be in. Thankfully I was able to call the hospital and he can see me tomorrow. I managed to talk myself out of food shopping - I was to tired, it was to late in the day, for most of the day I just wasn't hungry. I did take out the trash and spend some time enjoying the early evening sky. I spend some time catching up with not my he after his trip. I also went for a walk and treated myself to a dinner out on the town. I'm still up to late, still tired, still unsure but I'm also still breathing, still finding ways to enjoy the sky, finding shiny pieces of art, connecting with a community and making room for support. (Plus I really didn't want to blog tonight, and I managed to open up the stark white screen and let my fingers talk while my lips pouted.)

Wednesday

Appointment with Mccay. I was early, he was late. It was still really good to see him. Spent time in the library and blogged about the Mccay appointment. It's been a long while since I had a blog that had nothing to do with the daily updates of three things. Having a chance to share my thoughts and what was going on was really  soothing.  I spent most of the afternoon out of the house. Wandering around town center, went out for lunch, spent more time in the library and finally went shopping for groceries.

Thursday

Finally I caught up on some sleep. I made good good choices. I told the big bad Troll where to go. A small part of me for a moment was tempted by the drama, the possible attention, but he's just bad news. So I told him very firmly No, and it felt good.

Friday

I let my self be a bit girlie when I got ready for game. I have a hard time when I'm in the funk doing things like washing my hair, or picking nice clothes - but I took the time and enjoyed it. I didn't judge how I looked, I thought pretty thoughts and away I went. I went out and enjoyed being with my friend, trying something new thanks to La and seeing shiny boy. Oh - not to mention tying with a gaming mastermind!

Saturday

I let myself sleep, I curled up in my yellow bed with happy dreams and it was needed. It was lovely. I did massive amounts of laundry. I don't think I realized how much laundry I had till I was putting the first load in the washer. I let myself cry, my mum and I were talking on skype and the world felt too hard, too big, too everything and I cried and I ranted and I let it go. I didn't judge, I just felt and when I was all done I let my mum do what she does best. I let her love me.

Sunday 

I went for a short walk and didn't hide in my room refusing to leave the house, see people or game! I spent time out side and enjoyed the sun, enjoyed my slurpee and just enjoyed waiting for F to come get me. I ate to much. To much candy, to much pasta - bah. I ate to much and I know this and it is what it is and I'm not judging. I know that my natural instinct is to go for more. To have more, make more, but that leads to eating more. I need to work on being okay with 'enough' and what enough looks like. Baby steps all the way but for now I'm acknowledging what happened and I'm looking at ways to work with my head rather then punishing it. 

Monday 

I got a call from the debt collects on behalf of Asscare, and while it was a horrible way to wake up I managed to deal with it without breaking. I (after calling my mum to get the right spelling for Asscare) looked them up online. Called a bunch of numbers before finally getting a human that gave me a number for the billings department. The billings department happened to be in a meeting for most of the afternoon. I finally managed to talk to the billings department and will send off the extra paperwork tomorrow. I didn't cry, I didn't walk to edge and think about jumping, I just dealt. Don't get me wrong - I'm scared about what might happen and my finances are all ready pretty grim not including this scary huge hospital bill. I walked to game, caught up with Ms S and her boyfriend on the way. :) I'm really glad I was able to talk her into coming out. I managed to silly my way out of the funk. 

As I finish writing for tonight I know that this marks 9 weeks of finding K and it's not always been easy, it's often been messy but it does mostly help. When I let it, it's a great tool to look for the good, and helps keep me away from the pit of judgement. I know I have work to do, but I'm breathing and I know for a lot of people that aint nothing special but I'm celebrating small victories. 

Love me anyway, K 

Unplugged ~ Chat with Mccay

As I look around the library, music leaking in my ears from over used headphones. I know I'm not alone. Someone here, must be feeling like me. The world is simply to small for me to be alone with my feelings. Admittedly I don't currently believe it - but I know it to be true.

At this point I know I have come so far down the rabbit hole that I am unplugged. A wandering puppet with no strings that tug. I explained to Mccay that I'm either blocking everything, felt nothing and it was keeping me safe, and while I was breathing I wasn't living. It also means that smaller triggers set me off since I'm shielding so hard from myself. The solution - well that depends but I've been told to try mindfulness. Replace the judgement with, it is what it is mindset.

Running out of treatment options is scary, waiting for the last one is frustrating. The hospital whispers soothingly to me. It would in some ways be easy to slip back into the system I hate. It would mean that groups would be a must again, that hiding would be harder. I'm not so close to that particular ledge that I need to be in the hospital but I do think it would be one way to jump start me.

I need to find another way. Shutting people out just shut me off. Mindfulness, and finding something that makes me commit. That takes me away from they newly white washed wall that is my mind these days. My paint box is only empty as I make it. It's time to look for color. The big bag whispers what if, and taunts that I can't handle the color that I can't handle my personal brand of fire. Cheap tricks and idle threats don't scare me, to much, and so I pray and reach for the paint box.

Love me anyway. K

50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56

Tuesday 

I drank my daily recommended of water for the day (192 fl. oz.) my goal of the week is to drink 192 fl. oz every day. I did the August budget and dealt with online and telephone banking. I also spent some time thinking about where I am right now. I've got to confess I didn't like what I saw. I find it's much easier to beat myself up about the bad then it is to celebrate the good. My project for the upcoming week(s) is to work on the need to tear myself apart by building in more structure to my day.

Wednesday

ROOM reno, whole wheat cookies. WATER lots. Computer off at Midnight. Walking down memory lane with photo ally. 

Thursday 

Sat outside and enjoyed the sunshine, worked my puzzler with math games. Cleaned the kitchen. WATER 

Friday

Almost drank 192 fl oz water. Computer off at midnight. Creative writing. 

Saturday 

Went for a walk. Returned library books. Went food shopping. 

Sunday 

Went for a walk. Wrote creatively for contest (even won one ;)) Enjoyed celebrating 10 years of deviantArt. 

Monday 

I confess. I fell off the wagon. The gremlins are playing and I've been lounging in apathy for most of the week. I feel myself unwinding. Unsure of what I'm doing and lacking in any real motivation. Drinking 6 bottles of water a day probably wasn't the best goal and I found turning the computer of at midnight wasn't helping me get any more sleep. I know I need to jump start my brain and get back on track but for now I fear I'm to turned off. 

43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49

Tuesday

*Applied for more jobs, this is more something to find K because I'm only applying for part time jobs. Jobs that I know I can commit to and that are close enough to commute with out panic attacks. I know many people have to do a long commute to work, after the failed mission last week I know that I'm just not there yet. *I dusted all the bookshelves downstairs (not my he has many bookshelves). I also did a general tidy up. Nothing major but a good time to chat with Mr. D. *I made rice! Cooking rice in advance is part of my eat healthy (brown rice don't ya know) and eating cheap. I'd happily eat pasta forever. Heck I'd happily eat forever but I do have lots of rice that I don't use in favor of faster and easier to smother in butter and cheese pasta. My mission, I'm not going to limit how much rice I eat during the day. I'm going to focus on balance and smaller portions first. So one cup of vegetables for each cup of rice. In stead of one big helping of rice I'm going to have smaller portions. Getting up to get more will force me to think if I really am still hungry.  

My other mini goal is to eat one meal a day mindfully. Today that was breakfast and it was a raging success.

Wednesday

Cleaned bathroom of doom. Dealt with conflict mostly like a grownup. Ate mindfully at all meals!

Thursday

Left the house! Trip to town center for books and food. Spent time being friendly and smoothing over last of the conflict. Bonding and living with not my he is tough but mostly worth it. Ate mindfully at breakfast!

Friday

Left the house! For brain testing. Snacks and not having to bus (thank you platonic wife) to the appointment downtown after only four hours of sleep made it an okay but very full three and half hours. I walked! I chose to walk the 20+ blocks to find Miss T. I baked! It was a really fun afternoon sharing video clips, stories, strange dreams, raiding pineapples and other baking goods from S*'s house. Plus baking with my platonic wife means less mess to clean up because she helps and more yum because she accidentally added an extra cup of sugar.

Saturday

Breakfast of whole wheat cookies (with extra sugar) and fresh pineapple has to count as awesomeness. I also put away dishes from the great bake we had yesterday. I also washed a lot of dishes. Plus mindful eating!

Sunday

I wrote something creatively for the first time in over a year that had nothing to do with DnD. I got myself motivated and ready in time for Sky Pirates movie night with friends. I used the left over cookie dough to make more cookies for everyone! They boys chowed down on them while I got left eating popcorn, thankfully they left a few small cookies for me. We all went for a walk. Well, a short walk. However managing to leave the house is no small feat!

Monday

I made more cookies. From scratch, for yum. I washed lots of dishes. I did eat mindfully at breakfast but then lunch turned into an attack of mindless eating. I managed to make myself stop with out too much self abuse. I spent some much needed time talking to my mummy. Seven weeks of finding K. < insert happy dance >