Written in Steam

Fear walks a half-step behind and clouds of gray gather overhead, and yet I've built a safe place. I embrace bliss and sigh with the contentment that only hot water and steam can bring. Yet I'm scared. Terrified of enough, happy, and falling ... well falling out of control. 

The bridge looks so inviting. The dark so familiar. The storm so soothing in it's chaos. 

The problem? 

Contentment. 

I have reached for the light often in the last few days. I have found ways to balance and to accept, and now I'm terrified of falling. My life is working and I'm terrified of it breaking. The more I invest - the better life gets - the more I have to lose. 

So I have 'a' plan, and it's wobbly and it is fluid, and in motion, and will probably grow, change and adapt as it needs to.

A few highlights: 

Finding mantras, quotes, and sayings that I know to be true. 

Being kind to myself, and being brave and being honest with what I want, and what I'm willing to do to get it. 

Making new connections, and friends while keeping and treasuring the old.

<3 

Love me anyway, and do it loudly. 

- K 

Learning - K

Fingers creak over keys, scared to tap deep, scarred from over use, to much truth and the demons hiding under my finger nails. Blink out and suddenly I’m erasable, fully disposable. This is a lie. It has to be a lie, I can’t afford to curl up and almost die, or forget to fly, or wash away the sunny paint that covers my faded dreams and childish need to scream. I do not berate myself for coming undone, for blotchy skin that is a sure sign to tears that I have spent unwisely, loudly, disruptively, selfishly.  This to is a lie, and yet it is okay.  I will make it okay, I grant myself permission to fall. I give over to the dark and the bad and the never will I ever breath again.

--

I wrote that after walking back from my latest exam feeling crushed. Last night after hitting my head against the 'proverbial wall' about my lab, life and slowly I started to come undone. I think it is more likely that I am never really 'done up' but feeling like losing when really, I'm learning.

Yes.

Learning.

I - am - learning.

Not just of physics, and how to unwind strings of numbers or how to predict chemical reactions; however, that's another story for another time. The simple message from all the ranting and tearing covered in poor grammer is that I was hurting. I am hurting sometimes. Sometimes I am undone, or sad, or angry and all these feelings are okay -because I have the key to unlocking them.

See, I am learning, but it would be nice if you could love me anyway

I walk

For better or worse,

 " The record shows I took the blows and did it my way.  Yes, it was my way." - Frank Sinatra 

This song and my grandfather have been in my mind a lot this week. I've had an amazing last few days, when it comes to self regulating - finding balance even with in the storm. With Friday just coming into view I almost dare to say I've had my first week of school with out any major meltdowns. Not because this week was out triggers, far from it. I'm just doing things my way. It doesn't come easy but it is coming.

I hope you and yours are well. Have my love, for today I love me anyway. Then go out and do something your way. ;) 

- Katrine 

71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76

Tuesday

Papers Papers Papers or thats how it feels anyway. Getting everything in gear for NAIT on Saturday for the welcome party and then Monday's orientation is a bit overwhelming. Thankfully Fox was amazing and I spent an hour or so over at his house getting help from Bear. I managed to get things printed off, Bear had tons of old but in good shape school supplies and it was a really positive reminder that I have friends and they do care. :)

Wednesday

I watched the 30 min orientation video for new students. Went shopping for grocerys, and I'm really working on getting my sleep schedule back in gear.

Thursday
Cleaned my room, put away laundry, still juggling getting back into a normal sleep cycle.

Friday

I got S*'s birthday gift together, went out to game and managed to enjoy the large mix of new and old people. Going to bed early enough that I get enough sleep to really enjoy tomorrows outing at NAIT.

Saturday

Really great day at NAIT, was able to talk to a few people casually, watched an awesome show with a hypnotist, got some free swag, ate a free lunch, picked up some of my course materials, picked my student ID and UPass sticker. I then spent the rest of the day with my platonic wife. It was lovely to spend time, go shopping, eat dinner and watch Coupling together.

Sunday

I went to game and it was good relaxing and laughing with people. I've laid out my outfit for tomorrow and my  backpack is already to go. I also spent the evening looking at the campus map and coping my class schedule into my handbook. Plus I've looked at some bus routs to make sure I'm ready for the upcoming semester that starts ... TOMORROW! :) I tried to get to sleep but after 45min of not sleeping I'm up watching Sunday t.v and blogging. It's now just over an hour before I'm supposed to wake up and so I'm a bit worried about how tomorrow is going to go - but I'm going to make it work. I also spotted a problem with my Rogers account and was able to fix it! Go me. :)

64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70

Tuesday 

So, I slept. I slept a lot. It was good to sleep, to dream, to just catch up. So to make up for all the sleep I'm going to do 6 things tomorrow. 

Wednesday 

I left the house bright and early and went for a walk to town. I dropped off my library books early. I mailed the letter to Asscare (and a Dear James letter.) I went grocery shopping and picked up fruit, vegetables and other mostly healthy things. I emailed off a job application. I tried to arrange gamers, and when it ended up just being not my he and me I was totally okay with it. I did have a nap but I didn't completely give in to hiding and spend the evening playing Duel and almost winning!  :) More then six different ways I found Katrine today! 


Thursday 


The smoke monster came to town, and I mean that literary. I however managed to brave the big bad out doors and the scary smoke making it to my downtown appointment early.  It was also a different part of the city for me and I managed to navigate with out a melt down. I got the results of more brain poking. Nothing was horribly surprising and they had some great suggestions for support.


Friday 


I spent most of today unwinding from the crazy smoke day yesterday. I did get out of the house, it felt like a mission to mars but thankfully getting myself together was worth it. Going to game was fun, I got to play a new game, see some old faces, gaze upon the cute  and just fill up on friendship. 


Saturday 


I did a general tidy up of the kitchen. Putting away clean dishes and cleaning the sinks. I picked up the floor of my room and did a little tidying.  I've also started working on silly little digital pieces and it's been fun and relaxing getting my art on! 


Sunday 


All about hiding from the gamers and not feeling all that well. Spent more time in the bathroom then I'm going to admit here. However I did play with art and even managed to finish and submit a few things to my deviantArt account.  A quite day, thankfully I'm starting to feel better. 


Monday 


I'm not a Rogers fan but I love my phone and my phone number and I really needed to get in gear and renew my contract with them. I'm not sure what the next few years will bring and with my life currently in transition I didn't want to splash out on a new phone and a fancy big new contract. Keeping it simple and hopefully keeping it stress free.  NAIT called and I'm in! I'll be starting school next week Monday so I did a bunch of running around for that. I also walked to game and just really enjoyed being with my friends and celebrating the fact that part of the hurry up and wait is turning into hurry up and go. 


Love me anyway, K 

57. 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63

Tuesday

A missed appointment with Mccay means the day didn't start well. Under slept and scared really isn't a nice place to be in. Thankfully I was able to call the hospital and he can see me tomorrow. I managed to talk myself out of food shopping - I was to tired, it was to late in the day, for most of the day I just wasn't hungry. I did take out the trash and spend some time enjoying the early evening sky. I spend some time catching up with not my he after his trip. I also went for a walk and treated myself to a dinner out on the town. I'm still up to late, still tired, still unsure but I'm also still breathing, still finding ways to enjoy the sky, finding shiny pieces of art, connecting with a community and making room for support. (Plus I really didn't want to blog tonight, and I managed to open up the stark white screen and let my fingers talk while my lips pouted.)

Wednesday

Appointment with Mccay. I was early, he was late. It was still really good to see him. Spent time in the library and blogged about the Mccay appointment. It's been a long while since I had a blog that had nothing to do with the daily updates of three things. Having a chance to share my thoughts and what was going on was really  soothing.  I spent most of the afternoon out of the house. Wandering around town center, went out for lunch, spent more time in the library and finally went shopping for groceries.

Thursday

Finally I caught up on some sleep. I made good good choices. I told the big bad Troll where to go. A small part of me for a moment was tempted by the drama, the possible attention, but he's just bad news. So I told him very firmly No, and it felt good.

Friday

I let my self be a bit girlie when I got ready for game. I have a hard time when I'm in the funk doing things like washing my hair, or picking nice clothes - but I took the time and enjoyed it. I didn't judge how I looked, I thought pretty thoughts and away I went. I went out and enjoyed being with my friend, trying something new thanks to La and seeing shiny boy. Oh - not to mention tying with a gaming mastermind!

Saturday

I let myself sleep, I curled up in my yellow bed with happy dreams and it was needed. It was lovely. I did massive amounts of laundry. I don't think I realized how much laundry I had till I was putting the first load in the washer. I let myself cry, my mum and I were talking on skype and the world felt too hard, too big, too everything and I cried and I ranted and I let it go. I didn't judge, I just felt and when I was all done I let my mum do what she does best. I let her love me.

Sunday 

I went for a short walk and didn't hide in my room refusing to leave the house, see people or game! I spent time out side and enjoyed the sun, enjoyed my slurpee and just enjoyed waiting for F to come get me. I ate to much. To much candy, to much pasta - bah. I ate to much and I know this and it is what it is and I'm not judging. I know that my natural instinct is to go for more. To have more, make more, but that leads to eating more. I need to work on being okay with 'enough' and what enough looks like. Baby steps all the way but for now I'm acknowledging what happened and I'm looking at ways to work with my head rather then punishing it. 

Monday 

I got a call from the debt collects on behalf of Asscare, and while it was a horrible way to wake up I managed to deal with it without breaking. I (after calling my mum to get the right spelling for Asscare) looked them up online. Called a bunch of numbers before finally getting a human that gave me a number for the billings department. The billings department happened to be in a meeting for most of the afternoon. I finally managed to talk to the billings department and will send off the extra paperwork tomorrow. I didn't cry, I didn't walk to edge and think about jumping, I just dealt. Don't get me wrong - I'm scared about what might happen and my finances are all ready pretty grim not including this scary huge hospital bill. I walked to game, caught up with Ms S and her boyfriend on the way. :) I'm really glad I was able to talk her into coming out. I managed to silly my way out of the funk. 

As I finish writing for tonight I know that this marks 9 weeks of finding K and it's not always been easy, it's often been messy but it does mostly help. When I let it, it's a great tool to look for the good, and helps keep me away from the pit of judgement. I know I have work to do, but I'm breathing and I know for a lot of people that aint nothing special but I'm celebrating small victories. 

Love me anyway, K 

Unplugged ~ Chat with Mccay

As I look around the library, music leaking in my ears from over used headphones. I know I'm not alone. Someone here, must be feeling like me. The world is simply to small for me to be alone with my feelings. Admittedly I don't currently believe it - but I know it to be true.

At this point I know I have come so far down the rabbit hole that I am unplugged. A wandering puppet with no strings that tug. I explained to Mccay that I'm either blocking everything, felt nothing and it was keeping me safe, and while I was breathing I wasn't living. It also means that smaller triggers set me off since I'm shielding so hard from myself. The solution - well that depends but I've been told to try mindfulness. Replace the judgement with, it is what it is mindset.

Running out of treatment options is scary, waiting for the last one is frustrating. The hospital whispers soothingly to me. It would in some ways be easy to slip back into the system I hate. It would mean that groups would be a must again, that hiding would be harder. I'm not so close to that particular ledge that I need to be in the hospital but I do think it would be one way to jump start me.

I need to find another way. Shutting people out just shut me off. Mindfulness, and finding something that makes me commit. That takes me away from they newly white washed wall that is my mind these days. My paint box is only empty as I make it. It's time to look for color. The big bag whispers what if, and taunts that I can't handle the color that I can't handle my personal brand of fire. Cheap tricks and idle threats don't scare me, to much, and so I pray and reach for the paint box.

Love me anyway. K

50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56

Tuesday 

I drank my daily recommended of water for the day (192 fl. oz.) my goal of the week is to drink 192 fl. oz every day. I did the August budget and dealt with online and telephone banking. I also spent some time thinking about where I am right now. I've got to confess I didn't like what I saw. I find it's much easier to beat myself up about the bad then it is to celebrate the good. My project for the upcoming week(s) is to work on the need to tear myself apart by building in more structure to my day.

Wednesday

ROOM reno, whole wheat cookies. WATER lots. Computer off at Midnight. Walking down memory lane with photo ally. 

Thursday 

Sat outside and enjoyed the sunshine, worked my puzzler with math games. Cleaned the kitchen. WATER 

Friday

Almost drank 192 fl oz water. Computer off at midnight. Creative writing. 

Saturday 

Went for a walk. Returned library books. Went food shopping. 

Sunday 

Went for a walk. Wrote creatively for contest (even won one ;)) Enjoyed celebrating 10 years of deviantArt. 

Monday 

I confess. I fell off the wagon. The gremlins are playing and I've been lounging in apathy for most of the week. I feel myself unwinding. Unsure of what I'm doing and lacking in any real motivation. Drinking 6 bottles of water a day probably wasn't the best goal and I found turning the computer of at midnight wasn't helping me get any more sleep. I know I need to jump start my brain and get back on track but for now I fear I'm to turned off. 

43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49

Tuesday

*Applied for more jobs, this is more something to find K because I'm only applying for part time jobs. Jobs that I know I can commit to and that are close enough to commute with out panic attacks. I know many people have to do a long commute to work, after the failed mission last week I know that I'm just not there yet. *I dusted all the bookshelves downstairs (not my he has many bookshelves). I also did a general tidy up. Nothing major but a good time to chat with Mr. D. *I made rice! Cooking rice in advance is part of my eat healthy (brown rice don't ya know) and eating cheap. I'd happily eat pasta forever. Heck I'd happily eat forever but I do have lots of rice that I don't use in favor of faster and easier to smother in butter and cheese pasta. My mission, I'm not going to limit how much rice I eat during the day. I'm going to focus on balance and smaller portions first. So one cup of vegetables for each cup of rice. In stead of one big helping of rice I'm going to have smaller portions. Getting up to get more will force me to think if I really am still hungry.  

My other mini goal is to eat one meal a day mindfully. Today that was breakfast and it was a raging success.

Wednesday

Cleaned bathroom of doom. Dealt with conflict mostly like a grownup. Ate mindfully at all meals!

Thursday

Left the house! Trip to town center for books and food. Spent time being friendly and smoothing over last of the conflict. Bonding and living with not my he is tough but mostly worth it. Ate mindfully at breakfast!

Friday

Left the house! For brain testing. Snacks and not having to bus (thank you platonic wife) to the appointment downtown after only four hours of sleep made it an okay but very full three and half hours. I walked! I chose to walk the 20+ blocks to find Miss T. I baked! It was a really fun afternoon sharing video clips, stories, strange dreams, raiding pineapples and other baking goods from S*'s house. Plus baking with my platonic wife means less mess to clean up because she helps and more yum because she accidentally added an extra cup of sugar.

Saturday

Breakfast of whole wheat cookies (with extra sugar) and fresh pineapple has to count as awesomeness. I also put away dishes from the great bake we had yesterday. I also washed a lot of dishes. Plus mindful eating!

Sunday

I wrote something creatively for the first time in over a year that had nothing to do with DnD. I got myself motivated and ready in time for Sky Pirates movie night with friends. I used the left over cookie dough to make more cookies for everyone! They boys chowed down on them while I got left eating popcorn, thankfully they left a few small cookies for me. We all went for a walk. Well, a short walk. However managing to leave the house is no small feat!

Monday

I made more cookies. From scratch, for yum. I washed lots of dishes. I did eat mindfully at breakfast but then lunch turned into an attack of mindless eating. I managed to make myself stop with out too much self abuse. I spent some much needed time talking to my mummy. Seven weeks of finding K. < insert happy dance >

36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42

Tuesday 

Blah. "Bullet points are beneath me," is my current mantra, but I was left with little inspiration on Tuesday. I ended up looking around my room and picking three task just to get it over with. I picked up my floor (that is now again a mess.) I did laundry. I was a good little grown up and sent of more, give me a job letters. I even talked on the phone with a woman about a job (that I didn't get because I don't drive.) Can you feel the meh just rolling off Tuesday? It's shameful really. So just in case you missed them - room cleaning, laundry, and world of job hunting are my three things. 

Wednesday 

I swear this week feels like it's over. Half way isn't far enough for me. Cranky is typing this, Katrine's hiding under the bed. I made it to NAIT a few minutes early and surprisingly prepared for the hour display of me and my brain. I also was given a few handy contacts to call. I walked home from the transit center after a  detour  to a local restaurant for a late late lunch.  It's mostly in the budget and I wanted to take me out for a treat. Boys might not call me back - but I do. To recap my three things; bus, brain display, treating Miss K.

Thursday

I didn't fall apart when my 'date' didn't show up. I managed to get a job interview for tomorrow. I let the evening unwind and while it wasn't gaming with the guys, or spending time at BP's with the cool kids it was good. I helped my platonic wife, talk to the boy out of my league, caught up on old memories, wrote a letter, played in the rain, ate a crap load of pasta (but didn't order pizza,) chatted with my mum, drew two maps. I road the underside of the wave and I did okay. I let life spin slowly around me and I didn't fall over. The big bads tried to eat me, and at some points I thought I was breaking but I'm still here. Still whole. Still finding three ways everyday to find Katrine. 

Friday

I got slapped in the face with crazy. For all my good intentions one can not simply blog away borderline personality disorder. I managed to claw myself out of the ditch crazy threw me in. Empty still equals eating. Ranting and crying really do purge a body. Reaching out repeatedly till I found something to stand on. Heck all the things I did to not let the crazy completely take over more then count for my three things to find Katrine.

Just to prove crazy didn't completely win, I left the house early (never mind that ETS was running slow.) When I couldn't make the day work I called and canceled instead of hiding under the nearest bus. I let myself cry, pout, rage and then slowly  got up and got ready for the rest of my day. Spending time talking to mum, getting pretty for friends and enjoying game night and many ice-cream sandwiches

Saturday

I played pretend capture the flag. I napped away the afternoon because I was still tired. I hide in the cool basement away from the heat with a book. I made pasta with veggies and didn't order pizza. There are so many things  I could have done today and didn't and I'm trying really hard to be okay with that. Triggering the big bad won't make today better. So maybe I didn't dig deep, or push myself out of bed but I've decided that's what I needed.  * I ended up cleaning my room. My reward was walking to the 7'11 and getting a slurpee and some pick n' mix.

Sunday

I hid and pouted. I whinged and I wined. I went for a walk to nowhere and on the way back I stopped and bought groceries. My mission might have been a failure but I found ways to salvage it. I was feeling more stomped on then I wanted to admit. I ended up calling mum on the way home just to cry and sing the poor is me song. I finally ordered pizza, and I enjoyed every bite. I figured if the universe wanted to trick me into a walk and the post office wanted to be closed and the poor me song only made me cry the best thing I could do was take the next Anita Blake book and enjoy the last bit of my weekend.  I need to find other ways to heal, I also need to find ways to love myself again. Thankfully the night really ended with trashy t.v, a summer storm long over due, and finally some fun.

Monday

6 weeks of me telling my sorry, silly, crazy, not always so pretty tale. I keep trying to commit to doing other things for me now that I've got the daily three mostly under my belt. I'm finding it hard and sometimes triggering. Focusing on the 'now' and today, I've booked an appointment for more brain testing. This time for school. I walked to game and enjoyed it. I spent time with my friends and managed to find balance. I also managed to write a pretty cool part of the story. Finally, although I've already hit more then three, I tumbled into the past. Quite by accident - and instead of tearing me apart it made me feel stronger. A little better for all my wear and tear.

Maybe I can love myself /just a bit/ anyway.

29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35

Tuesday

Woke up early enough to work on story and get ready for NAIT. Visit to NAIT and thinking positively about getting in for the fall. Spending time with T, being a little wild, having fun and celebrating our friendship. Finally making it to Westmount to pick up things from the gym. It was a shame that most of my stuff had been stolen or given away but such is life.

Wednesday

The hospital poked my brain for DBT testing. I knew it was going to be long and potentially triggering. Yet with all the potential drama ahead of me I made it to the appointment on time. I was honest and prompt with the tester. I didn't scream, kick or say it was unfair. I now have way to many baked goods in my house as I found solace in the bakery section of Safeway  and at a nearby fast food joint. I did walk home from the hospital. To deal I ate sticky buns and cake, I wrote rambling swirly letters with to much honesty and clear unhidden wanting, I played games with my friends and enjoyed a quick walk for slushies and drinks with Mr. Fox. I looked at job posting and I got to paint pretty pictures and look at paint.

Thursday

Sent of more please hire me letters with my CV attached. Worked on tiding my room. A much easier feat these days. Called NAIT's SSD department and left a message. I might go for a wander, mail a letter and it's very likely I'll eat some green and healthy things as the day is still young.

Friday

Disappoint tinged with anger sent me on a walk. A long bouncy walk and it was good to get away from the triggers and the feeling of crushing loss. Going to game was a step and a good one and then doing more stepping when I got there. Walking to go get food for everyone with a friend makes my three things for K.

Saturday

Ouch. Oooh. Erm. I jogged up and down the stairs and mostly hid in my room napping and trying to get over the icky feelings. Ooooh. I also wrote and found shiny things for story and the next big adventure. I mostly did three things for K...

Sunday

More Ouch. Oooh. Erm. I hid in my room some more. Cranky and not well and didn't want to go to game, but away I went. Seeing people, building up the confidence levels and getting to gush made it worth it.  I also got do shiny things for a friend. Yes outside of my budget and totally missing the point of healthy but shiny and so it counts. That as good as it's going to get for the moment.

Monday

Off to NAIT I went and it went well. I even got in early. I walked to game, beat the rain and managed to triumph over the crashing feelings and the headache of doom. I also worked on story for the next adventure. I also hunted for jobs, ate apples not fast food and called my mummy.

Another week of finding K. <3 I hope you can all still love me anyway.

22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27,28

Tuesday

Mccay Mccay, Time with a platonic wife, walking a boy and his dog. Sleep deprived emotional day with enough sunshine to make it okay.

Wednesday

The power of hangers, finally carried down my winter clothes to the basement, enjoyed being with friends. Something wonderfully comfortable watching a pretty movie with shiny people and the laughter and fellowship that ensues.

Thursday

Laundry, redid my resume, shopping for food. Hot and sunny day left me melting. Sleepy and stressed today felt like a kiddy ride at the carnival. I like my life in bite sized pieces.

Friday

Applied for jobs, Left the house (this sounds easy but really no.) Made it to NAIT in time. Fast food is sneaking into my life and into my budget. It needs to stop. On the plus side I have fruit! Yummy fresh crisp fruit. Happy making indeed.

Saturday

Went for a walk and explored new paths and old feelings. Folded and put away laundry. Invited myself to watch a movie with not my he and enjoyed the time spent together. I wanted people and he surprisingly  delivered.

Sunday 

I left the house when everything inside of me screamed I don't want to. I went for a walk all on my own. I braved the gamers. Every other Sunday I hide in my room not wanting to get in the way of gamers and story. Mostly I just enjoyed the quite two days. Spent time chatting, reading and watching a pretty amazing t.v show. 

Monday 

I walked to game. I walked to game in the pouring rain and got there soaked and ever so glad I had some clothes left in the basement. Fox was the ever lovely host. So I confess the last few days I've not done a lot to find Katrine. I've been coasting. However I've also pushed myself to leave the house, to do the things I really didn't want to do - but needed too. I've worked on setting boundaries and doing a great job at following threw on the task I set myself at the start of the day. Leave the house, go for a walk, eat more vegetables then pasta. So I can't pick out three things and say w00t look at me. I can say that I've been living and it's been more then enough. 

I've made it to a month of finding Katrine and it's made it a lot easier for me to love me, anyway. 

Lost in days 16,17,18,19, 20 and 21

Maybe I've been giving to much of myself away to spend any real time in blog land. I've been updating and not posting for the last four days. My words lacked any real depth or passion. So the highlights, the three things I did each day to find me. Well they vary. Some are big and shiny, others small and not so glittery. However I'm sharing them because maps show pitfalls and mountains. 

Wednesday * 

Spun so fast. I went for chai with a new cool person. I went to the movies with D, E and F. I then played and games with D and E. Having people, new people, old people and shiny things to do with them made Wednesday lovely. 

Thursday * 

Saw my brain brake. Smashed against the wall by the end of the night. The day started with little sleep. I can clearly see when the crash started to hit and I went into hiding. In with all the angst, I went exploring a new part of Edmonton with S, got active in a few different ways and found my way off but not over the edge. 

Friday * 

I got kidnapped for sushi and it was nice to feel wanted and it was awesome to be surprised. I came out of hiding because I was pulled and because missing game night later would be to depressing. However in all the adventure I let myself leave the house twice, folded and put away laundry and mostly rolled with reality. 

Saturday * 

 I napped even after going to bed at a reasonable hour. My body chose sleep over sniffles and I went with it . I sent off a few emails. Emails do make me smile. I also looked at job postings. Saturday honestly felt like a dud. I got let down over the weekend and it was hard coping with the rejection. However I'm still breathing. Gold star for me! 

Sunday * 

I felt battered, bruised and in need of people so I spent time with Mr. D. It was silly and easy and most of all, it was good. I also went out for walking and busing. A big step when I could have waited for a Fox to take me to game. Plus game! Going to game being around shiny people and letting D tell story. That totally counts. Sunday night left me with spinning crazy brain and an overdose on junk food. 

Monday * 

Three weeks and I'm still kicking. I've hit some rough patches and almost fallen off the edge more often then I want to admit. I've let bad habits creep in now and then, but a lot less then they normally do. The dark spots have been darker but fewer. That does make me scared to run too fast back into the world. I feel myself slowly starting to spin and I want to push and dance. Yet I don't think  I could handle the crash and burn so I take slow steps and I gamble and I hope I have enough to hold onto.  My three things. Well I called and left a message with IA, I looked at jobs, I called for a lift when I didn't think I would leave the house due to storm and rain, I helped make game more awesome by making sure J got invited, I picked up a package, wrote and sent a "Dear James" letter bundle, and I made plans for tomorrow. Just in case tonight gets too hard I know tomorrow will be a better day. 

I think after the last three weeks for tonight I can love me anyway. 

- Day 15 -

*I went outside, a walk on my own and wandering with someone else.

*I got active and then ate way to many gummy bears. (Gummy is not a food group I should really go shopping for more food soon.) 

*I tried on all my 'summer' clothes to decide what fit and what needed to be packed away. An when I have hangers and feel like lugging the big bag down to the basement I will. 

*I did my laundry. I folded and put away last weeks laundry. This does not mean that I folded and put away this weeks laundry ...

*Reorganized my draws and toiletries. My room still looks jumbled and full of things but to the trained eye I'm slowly turning it into my home. 

*I spent time talking to a wonderful friend. It was good to catch up and have a sounding board. She's lovely. 

Stuff happened is my point. I  I even made my bed. *Yawn* and now I might take a few days off. ;) 

I know it's a long and windy road lacking in cool special effects so thank you for walking it with me.

Love you anyway. 

- Day 14 -

* Stood up for myself and was able to kick crazy in the ass.

* Walked to game enjoying every moment.

* Getting stuff back to the new place and organizing it.

I don't want to give the world words tonight, but I made it to two weeks. I think now I need to find away to bring more of my map to this journey I'm on.

Lost in thought so love me anyway.

Lucky -Day 13-

(3)I'm going to slow dance in my bedroom to old crooner songs and I'm going to grin, maybe cry and feel the strange feeling of happiness wash over me.  I'm going to lead myself in my own dance tonight. 

(1)I ate ice cream. To much ice cream but it helped show me the line of enough so next time I'll be okay with having the just right amount and not feel like I'm missing out. 

(2)I went and found not my he in the basement and watched buildings almost explode because I needed people, and because he kind of rocks like that. 

I didn't leave the house, do my laundry or change the world. I just lived. I just breathed. I got triggered a few times and kept on going. Katrine found me today and I LOVE IT! I really do. Tomorrow I'll work on being a grown up, doing a bit of cleaning, putting together my closet. After the roller coster and the melancholy I needed a guilt free Katrine day and I got it. So huzzah and happy dance! ~  

My plans for the upcoming week include drinking more chai with new people, sending letters to someone kind of shiny, getting to the sprinkler park, treating myself to cheap movie day, a movie night with the boys, game night, moving some of my belongings into the new house with the current yellow bed  and on Sunday church. 

I live, breath and create my own adventure. 

Now if you excuse me I have to get my dancing on. 

Love you, Love me  - Anyway. 

- Day 12 -

Saturday almost got lost in an avalanche of melancholy. I spent the day in a state of hyper alert sleeplessness. I wanted sleep. I wanted to curl up in my yellow bed and forget the world was happening. Maybe it was the yellow sheets or last weeks rise and falls but I kept waiting for something, anything to happen. My room was building up in mess, eating got pushed to the sideline as I sat and tried to pull the world where I wanted it.

I will give myself that, while I have yet to get what I asked for. I asked. I reached out and laid my cards on the table. I did the scary dear world, I stepped up and I said this is me and I'm looking for you and then I did everything in my power to start letting go.


Finally after hours of waiting, chatting, pointless emails and doodle god something snapped. I stopped pushing and let the world happen around me. I didn't close myself away and make the world come find me - I just stopped pushing and the world delivered. Motivation and company were found at exactly the right time and I went for a walk. A ramble in the park and I enjoyed the setting sun on the duck pound, the feeling of dusk as it wraps around the park . It was lovely.

I don't have a third solid way I found Katrine on Saturday other then I road the avalanche and in the end I came out even. I didn't get lost, buried or defeated. I win by default.

Love me anyway.

Make a Wish - Day 11 -

Friday happened. I think this is the most I can say for Friday. It happened, I was there and it wasn't half bad. The constant state of hope has taken a battering and even as I try to leap into the great unknown I feel kite string anchoring me to the ground. What did I do to find Katrine on Friday? To be honest I'm more curious as what Friday did to find Katrine, but that would be a different blog.


Step one - I actually left the house for game night. It was a close call due to the late call from the friend who drives and the fact that I was tempted just to hide.


Step two - Keep active and bustling enough during game night to mostly enjoy it. I nommed down on the pulled pork ( maybe a little to much due to the shear amount of people that came later), I soaked up the cuteness from shiny happy little monsters, I got my chai on with the bird, I played two different games, managed to hang out with old and new people with out over acting. When it was all said and done did I have a good time? Yeah. Was the onslaught of people and chaos and stuff kind of overwhelming? Heck Yes. I made it work though. I was a lot better last night then I was a year ago. I road the social wave and it was all good.


Step three - Got my wit on - but that is a whole other story.


Not sure how I feel about love today, but love me anyway?

~ * Day 10 * ~

Double digits dear world. What to say about day 10? It had it's moments and along the way the three things I did to find Katrine were; dealt with banking, stopped before full, and changed my sheets from blue to yellow! Little things, but things. At the end of the day I do have to say, it's okay. 

Love me anyway. 

- Day Nine -

Dear Katrine,

What happened to when you fall I'll catch you? The world is not your safety net. Far from it the world is your open ended adventure, it is full of unknowns, possibilities and boys that don't call you back. If on day nine you want to take take a break from it all I understand. You have every right to be hurt, to feel let down, to wonder. Just don't let the wind blow pieces of you away.

Worried about you,

Katrine

What do you do when the fleeting, flickering light of possibilities turns out? When you play the game knowing that losing might trigger the big bad. When it does trigger the big bad? Maybe day nine isn't a holiday from the project but more a challenge.

I found Katrine by admitting I was scared and feeling fragile. Not a pretty state to be in, but where I am. It is what it is. Huzzah for finding peace of mind in the storm of crazy.

I found Katrine by allowing myself to write this post. Sitting down and mapping out my thoughts and trying to avoid judgement is always a good exercise.

I'll be finding Katrine when I go play at the sprinkle park with some bubbles and maybe a slushy. Sometimes the best adventures are the ones you have all on your own.

I confess I need you to love me anyway.

- K

Undone Words - Day Eight -

Fitting that as we hit day eight it starts to get harder to find Katrine. Harder to reach in for the words. My platonic wife is going to kidnap me away from the blues. This is not a post, it's a page from a sketch book that one day I'll come back to and find the glitter in it.

I felt like today I was willing to trust in cliff jumping and for a moment was going to let someone else catch me. Until they let me fall. It's going to take a little while for my thunder to come back to me. I hate the fear almost as much as I hate the fall. Maybe this story will turn around and there will be a happily ever after -for now- and maybe there wont be. I am finding the little voice of reason that makes this okay.

My three things were; Being open with Mccay - getting there on time and remembering to ask all the questions and writing down the answers was a good solid step in finding K. Reaching out and deciding to give in and try, to trust the unknown and the possibilities. Call my platonic wife for a change of plans, a night with dessert first followed by love, chatter, evil plots and sushi. Knowing that I was hitting a low it was a smart call to call her.

Love you today, love you - anyway.

- K

Day Seven!

My brain decided the best thing to do last night was break. That between the sleeping, the misadventure and the emails makes day seven in this year of finding Katrine a funny day indeed. I just want to pause for a moment and say I feel slightly stiff writing this. Maybe it's the sleepy, the Mccay, the spinning fuzzy brain. 

Restart. 

Enjoying the rain and savoring the thunder, admitting my brain broke at game crying and letting the group move on around the pieces of me, taking a chance on a late night walk and a daydream that proved to be loverly. 

Dear World, 

I think I like this new adventure. 

Thank you, 

                 Katrine 

Love me anyway?  

-Day Five - Day Six -

Breakfast with a bird and her crew, doodles that dazzled, tucking in two very cute monsters. Saturday was a fun, different kind of day. Sleepovers and babysitting will do that. The time spent talking with the bird is also on my list.

--

Sleeping in, sitting in the sun watching boys bounce and a bird shine, making game night happen at last minute. I spent the weekend away from my four walls and it was okay. It was good. I did good. I got slushy's, money, cups of chai, an over flow of cute, and stories from the brain of a 6 year old.

--- I am I am. Love me, anyway.

-Day Four-

A huge pot a chai, afternoon naps, and going out to game night are three ways I found Katrine today.

Little things to find K -Day Three -

I did more then three things today. I did countless small little things to find Katrine. I worry that going so big that on days when I can only do three things I'll feel guilty. This project isn't supposed to be about guilt. It's supposed to be about map making and highlighting the light.

Thursday was stretched out and full of sleeping, a little dreaming. To show what I brought to Thursday I am going to break it down the big/little things that got done.

1. Reclaimed my room.

* Cleaned, organised and tidied my room, even did a bit of decorating)

* Folded and put away laundry.

* Unpacked the big box.

2. Acknowledge the good I had done (with my room.)

* I'm struggling to put this into words. To explain the background off needed to stop and acknowledge that I did something and it's good. So after I finished cleaning my room I stopped and I broke it down. I acknowledged that I had done a good job self motivating and that I now had a clean room to enjoy. I sighed with relief because I had done all that and felt a small sense of accomplishment. It was also aw inspiring that this cleaning spree did not come from a manic place, a angry place, or as part of any 'evil' plan. It's something that needed to be done and I did it- and it's okay. In someways walking myself through that thought process was harder then cleaning my room.

3. Gave my self permission to interact.

*Often my first choice is to want to be around people and then hide in my room anyway. I broke that pattern by finding not my mister in the basement and joined him for most of a movie. A rare kind of treat that I should try to do more often. I have to remind myself he's not that scary.

*Called someone shiny for coffee or dinner.

4. Asked for help when I thought I needed it.

* The joy of having a platonic wife and a star is often complicated by life, but still very much enjoyed.

*Spent time talking with my mum who let me unravel parts of my thoughts before she had to rush off and I had to go to sleep.

5. Allowed my self to sleep.

* Both after a day off not sleeping and then later that night when I went to sleep before 11pm .

* I also let myself walk away from a good time because I knew I was getting sleepy and while watching Angel episodes with not my mister was fun I thought my bed wanted me more.

6. Left the house just to go fruit shopping.

*Enjoyed picking out food for the next few days.

*Took time to just enjoy the walk even with the slight pains.

7. Wrote this blog.

*Breaking down and sharing the little things from my day and trying to highlight them as wonderful things that I have done makes me feel a bit silly. I am not so self absorbed that I think anything I did yesterday was truly out there. It's so easy to judge oneself, to undermine all that we do for ourselves. In lots of ways in all the ways my life is hard, it's also pretty easy. Right now I just have to breath, tomorrow I'll start walking and one day I'll dance again. I want to down play the breathing, I want to punish myself for not walking, not dancing in life. The sidelines are boring. But you know what, not breathing is scary and fighting for air isn't easy. Not at first. Not all the time.

My name is Katrine and I'm breathing - all on my own. Love me anyway.

Little things to find K -Day Two -

Wandering, Rambling, Old Friends. 

I wandered in my little back garden and spent time enjoying the sunshine. I also figured out how to find the back garden from the front off the house. A mini adventure. 

I spent time rambling, talking and dare I say bonding? With Mr. D. 

Slowly ate an orange and enjoyed every moment Fruit does taste so much better then candy. It's got more depth, texture and juice! 

Little things. Picture my post of little things as post it notes pinned to a huge communal bulletin board. 

I welcome you to share with me along the way the three things you did today in the comments. :) 

Tell me a story.

....and I'll love you forever.

Stories have this way of capturing me. They always have. I wrap myself in the images of a life that is not mine, in places unlike the one I am in and for moments I am set free. So often I turn to this blog in anger, pain, frustration, a sense of lost. It's true I plan the most convenient time to die at least once a week. I hate the thought of being to far away from home just in case the world becomes to much. Gremlins you see are a horrible problem in Alberta. I hide from the world but more importantly, or more pathetically I hide from myself.

The big bad has locked me under the kitchen sink and is playing the role of Katrine without me. Thankfully this is only true some of the time. At times a glimmer of Katrine peers out from under the drain. The sun has been coming up slowly for the last hour. I had a wisp of a thought, I wanted to go daydream outside. I thought it would be a perfect place to nap for a few hours. What would the neighborers think? Oh dear me, what would Mr. D think? I doubt he'd notice since his morning rush is just that a rush. Yet, if he did catch a glimpse of me curled up next to the fence I doubt he'd be impressed. However that isn't the point. The point is I had a silly, dreamy idea and it made me smile. It made a little story.

A woman once spent a year cooking and blogging about it. She told the world a story and I fell in love. On the way I think she found her ground, her story and I think some of her heart. I am going to give myself a year. A year to expand this map. To commit to doing three things each day that make me a little less crazy. I'll be sharing about them here, hopefully they wont get lost in my 'letters', the rants, or the lost little girl hiding under the kitchen sink.

Last night while sitting in the corner of a booth full of wonderful woman, laughing talking about life, boobs and sharing stories that transcend all our ages I felt lost at times, deeply sad, wistful. Crazy had been building since Monday night. Yet I put these women together last night. These fantastic, inspiring, funny, witty women. We drank multiple cups of chai tea and I felt. Dear Katrine, I felt. Doesn't matter what I felt. Just that I felt safe enough to do so.

So on July 15 2010 the three things I did to help find Katrine were;

1. Took a new bus route, and enjoyed the scenery. 

2. Had "Dinner with Darling Women."

3. Let my mum love me, even when it got hard.

I love you, anyway. Thank you for reading. Welcome to my New Year.

With a grin, a dash of hope and the small wondrous feeling of growing joy.

Dear me not you.

Dear Katrine,

It's so easy to look at the world and to say the world hit me today. I was just standing here and the world hit me. It's easy to hide behind the cake, the fat, and the loud so when "nobody loves you" it's okay. They didn't reject you, they just rejected that facade. I'm sorry that I've been punishing you for years for not being good enough, for losing things that were not in your power to keep. I keep beating myself for crimes that everyone else has forgiven, forgotten or just never known. How long do you need to punish me before you can let go, move on, and love me. Katrine I want you to pick me, chose me, LOVE me.

 I've wanted you to fall in love with me for ages. You're my best friend even when I forget to say hello, or I'm sorry, or I miss you. I know you lose your words, you hide and your often really mean to me. Grow up. Stop playing the girl games with me. Look me in the eye and just admit it. You love me, you miss me. You don't need cheese to be happy, hiding behind the cake is a lie. The world is your play ground and I'm the one who is going to catch you if you fall.

Always, forever. I love you anyway.

Love, Katrine.

Letters of Pathetic. Maybe.

No Sleep. None. 

I want to sleep. Can I sleep? 

Can I be the stupid fat girl that doesn't sleep, doesn't get better, doesn't know if she can get better or if she can  sleep? I don't want to know why I can only sleep during the day - I just know that I can only sleep during the day. I want to see the Boo so bad. I want to see you so bad. I want to wake up and not need a scary amount of carbs to make me go. Not my he wants babies you know? He really really want babies. Little things make him happy. 

Me. I want carbs, sleep and kisses. Stupid trashy t.v shows cause I can't sleep make me want this. Well not the carbs or the sleep. I wanted those anyway. 

I might post this in my blog at some point. Maybe. Oh look I'm posting it. Look at K as she falls apart in a weak moment once again. The killer will be if I can stay awake long enough to turn this around and give it a happy end. 

Who knows? I have no idea why I bother. I was going to stay awake and just make my self shower and listen to music and go but thats a lot of going. I'm a flake. I'm a trashy bad flake who won't sleep. Doesn't sleep till she's so dizzy the world just wants to go away . I'm so fucking tired of being so wrapped up and lost in my own shit and self deprecation. 

Yet what else do I got? Bah. I'm sorry. I have no idea what will happen today. I'd call but it's still to early. With kids getting to school and people going to work and class. You are welcome to steal bottles from the house and take the Boo to lunch. 

I am so sorry that I'm this person. 

Maybe I'll sleep. Maybe I'll find a way to stay awake. Maybe the next moment won't be this. It's all about holding out for the next moments.  

Love me anyway. Maybe? 

I sort feel this song is like big me talking to little me.  Someday's Maybe. Right?