36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42

Tuesday 

Blah. "Bullet points are beneath me," is my current mantra, but I was left with little inspiration on Tuesday. I ended up looking around my room and picking three task just to get it over with. I picked up my floor (that is now again a mess.) I did laundry. I was a good little grown up and sent of more, give me a job letters. I even talked on the phone with a woman about a job (that I didn't get because I don't drive.) Can you feel the meh just rolling off Tuesday? It's shameful really. So just in case you missed them - room cleaning, laundry, and world of job hunting are my three things. 

Wednesday 

I swear this week feels like it's over. Half way isn't far enough for me. Cranky is typing this, Katrine's hiding under the bed. I made it to NAIT a few minutes early and surprisingly prepared for the hour display of me and my brain. I also was given a few handy contacts to call. I walked home from the transit center after a  detour  to a local restaurant for a late late lunch.  It's mostly in the budget and I wanted to take me out for a treat. Boys might not call me back - but I do. To recap my three things; bus, brain display, treating Miss K.

Thursday

I didn't fall apart when my 'date' didn't show up. I managed to get a job interview for tomorrow. I let the evening unwind and while it wasn't gaming with the guys, or spending time at BP's with the cool kids it was good. I helped my platonic wife, talk to the boy out of my league, caught up on old memories, wrote a letter, played in the rain, ate a crap load of pasta (but didn't order pizza,) chatted with my mum, drew two maps. I road the underside of the wave and I did okay. I let life spin slowly around me and I didn't fall over. The big bads tried to eat me, and at some points I thought I was breaking but I'm still here. Still whole. Still finding three ways everyday to find Katrine. 

Friday

I got slapped in the face with crazy. For all my good intentions one can not simply blog away borderline personality disorder. I managed to claw myself out of the ditch crazy threw me in. Empty still equals eating. Ranting and crying really do purge a body. Reaching out repeatedly till I found something to stand on. Heck all the things I did to not let the crazy completely take over more then count for my three things to find Katrine.

Just to prove crazy didn't completely win, I left the house early (never mind that ETS was running slow.) When I couldn't make the day work I called and canceled instead of hiding under the nearest bus. I let myself cry, pout, rage and then slowly  got up and got ready for the rest of my day. Spending time talking to mum, getting pretty for friends and enjoying game night and many ice-cream sandwiches

Saturday

I played pretend capture the flag. I napped away the afternoon because I was still tired. I hide in the cool basement away from the heat with a book. I made pasta with veggies and didn't order pizza. There are so many things  I could have done today and didn't and I'm trying really hard to be okay with that. Triggering the big bad won't make today better. So maybe I didn't dig deep, or push myself out of bed but I've decided that's what I needed.  * I ended up cleaning my room. My reward was walking to the 7'11 and getting a slurpee and some pick n' mix.

Sunday

I hid and pouted. I whinged and I wined. I went for a walk to nowhere and on the way back I stopped and bought groceries. My mission might have been a failure but I found ways to salvage it. I was feeling more stomped on then I wanted to admit. I ended up calling mum on the way home just to cry and sing the poor is me song. I finally ordered pizza, and I enjoyed every bite. I figured if the universe wanted to trick me into a walk and the post office wanted to be closed and the poor me song only made me cry the best thing I could do was take the next Anita Blake book and enjoy the last bit of my weekend.  I need to find other ways to heal, I also need to find ways to love myself again. Thankfully the night really ended with trashy t.v, a summer storm long over due, and finally some fun.

Monday

6 weeks of me telling my sorry, silly, crazy, not always so pretty tale. I keep trying to commit to doing other things for me now that I've got the daily three mostly under my belt. I'm finding it hard and sometimes triggering. Focusing on the 'now' and today, I've booked an appointment for more brain testing. This time for school. I walked to game and enjoyed it. I spent time with my friends and managed to find balance. I also managed to write a pretty cool part of the story. Finally, although I've already hit more then three, I tumbled into the past. Quite by accident - and instead of tearing me apart it made me feel stronger. A little better for all my wear and tear.

Maybe I can love myself /just a bit/ anyway.

29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35

Tuesday

Woke up early enough to work on story and get ready for NAIT. Visit to NAIT and thinking positively about getting in for the fall. Spending time with T, being a little wild, having fun and celebrating our friendship. Finally making it to Westmount to pick up things from the gym. It was a shame that most of my stuff had been stolen or given away but such is life.

Wednesday

The hospital poked my brain for DBT testing. I knew it was going to be long and potentially triggering. Yet with all the potential drama ahead of me I made it to the appointment on time. I was honest and prompt with the tester. I didn't scream, kick or say it was unfair. I now have way to many baked goods in my house as I found solace in the bakery section of Safeway  and at a nearby fast food joint. I did walk home from the hospital. To deal I ate sticky buns and cake, I wrote rambling swirly letters with to much honesty and clear unhidden wanting, I played games with my friends and enjoyed a quick walk for slushies and drinks with Mr. Fox. I looked at job posting and I got to paint pretty pictures and look at paint.

Thursday

Sent of more please hire me letters with my CV attached. Worked on tiding my room. A much easier feat these days. Called NAIT's SSD department and left a message. I might go for a wander, mail a letter and it's very likely I'll eat some green and healthy things as the day is still young.

Friday

Disappoint tinged with anger sent me on a walk. A long bouncy walk and it was good to get away from the triggers and the feeling of crushing loss. Going to game was a step and a good one and then doing more stepping when I got there. Walking to go get food for everyone with a friend makes my three things for K.

Saturday

Ouch. Oooh. Erm. I jogged up and down the stairs and mostly hid in my room napping and trying to get over the icky feelings. Ooooh. I also wrote and found shiny things for story and the next big adventure. I mostly did three things for K...

Sunday

More Ouch. Oooh. Erm. I hid in my room some more. Cranky and not well and didn't want to go to game, but away I went. Seeing people, building up the confidence levels and getting to gush made it worth it.  I also got do shiny things for a friend. Yes outside of my budget and totally missing the point of healthy but shiny and so it counts. That as good as it's going to get for the moment.

Monday

Off to NAIT I went and it went well. I even got in early. I walked to game, beat the rain and managed to triumph over the crashing feelings and the headache of doom. I also worked on story for the next adventure. I also hunted for jobs, ate apples not fast food and called my mummy.

Another week of finding K. <3 I hope you can all still love me anyway.

22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27,28

Tuesday

Mccay Mccay, Time with a platonic wife, walking a boy and his dog. Sleep deprived emotional day with enough sunshine to make it okay.

Wednesday

The power of hangers, finally carried down my winter clothes to the basement, enjoyed being with friends. Something wonderfully comfortable watching a pretty movie with shiny people and the laughter and fellowship that ensues.

Thursday

Laundry, redid my resume, shopping for food. Hot and sunny day left me melting. Sleepy and stressed today felt like a kiddy ride at the carnival. I like my life in bite sized pieces.

Friday

Applied for jobs, Left the house (this sounds easy but really no.) Made it to NAIT in time. Fast food is sneaking into my life and into my budget. It needs to stop. On the plus side I have fruit! Yummy fresh crisp fruit. Happy making indeed.

Saturday

Went for a walk and explored new paths and old feelings. Folded and put away laundry. Invited myself to watch a movie with not my he and enjoyed the time spent together. I wanted people and he surprisingly  delivered.

Sunday 

I left the house when everything inside of me screamed I don't want to. I went for a walk all on my own. I braved the gamers. Every other Sunday I hide in my room not wanting to get in the way of gamers and story. Mostly I just enjoyed the quite two days. Spent time chatting, reading and watching a pretty amazing t.v show. 

Monday 

I walked to game. I walked to game in the pouring rain and got there soaked and ever so glad I had some clothes left in the basement. Fox was the ever lovely host. So I confess the last few days I've not done a lot to find Katrine. I've been coasting. However I've also pushed myself to leave the house, to do the things I really didn't want to do - but needed too. I've worked on setting boundaries and doing a great job at following threw on the task I set myself at the start of the day. Leave the house, go for a walk, eat more vegetables then pasta. So I can't pick out three things and say w00t look at me. I can say that I've been living and it's been more then enough. 

I've made it to a month of finding Katrine and it's made it a lot easier for me to love me, anyway. 

Lost in days 16,17,18,19, 20 and 21

Maybe I've been giving to much of myself away to spend any real time in blog land. I've been updating and not posting for the last four days. My words lacked any real depth or passion. So the highlights, the three things I did each day to find me. Well they vary. Some are big and shiny, others small and not so glittery. However I'm sharing them because maps show pitfalls and mountains. 

Wednesday * 

Spun so fast. I went for chai with a new cool person. I went to the movies with D, E and F. I then played and games with D and E. Having people, new people, old people and shiny things to do with them made Wednesday lovely. 

Thursday * 

Saw my brain brake. Smashed against the wall by the end of the night. The day started with little sleep. I can clearly see when the crash started to hit and I went into hiding. In with all the angst, I went exploring a new part of Edmonton with S, got active in a few different ways and found my way off but not over the edge. 

Friday * 

I got kidnapped for sushi and it was nice to feel wanted and it was awesome to be surprised. I came out of hiding because I was pulled and because missing game night later would be to depressing. However in all the adventure I let myself leave the house twice, folded and put away laundry and mostly rolled with reality. 

Saturday * 

 I napped even after going to bed at a reasonable hour. My body chose sleep over sniffles and I went with it . I sent off a few emails. Emails do make me smile. I also looked at job postings. Saturday honestly felt like a dud. I got let down over the weekend and it was hard coping with the rejection. However I'm still breathing. Gold star for me! 

Sunday * 

I felt battered, bruised and in need of people so I spent time with Mr. D. It was silly and easy and most of all, it was good. I also went out for walking and busing. A big step when I could have waited for a Fox to take me to game. Plus game! Going to game being around shiny people and letting D tell story. That totally counts. Sunday night left me with spinning crazy brain and an overdose on junk food. 

Monday * 

Three weeks and I'm still kicking. I've hit some rough patches and almost fallen off the edge more often then I want to admit. I've let bad habits creep in now and then, but a lot less then they normally do. The dark spots have been darker but fewer. That does make me scared to run too fast back into the world. I feel myself slowly starting to spin and I want to push and dance. Yet I don't think  I could handle the crash and burn so I take slow steps and I gamble and I hope I have enough to hold onto.  My three things. Well I called and left a message with IA, I looked at jobs, I called for a lift when I didn't think I would leave the house due to storm and rain, I helped make game more awesome by making sure J got invited, I picked up a package, wrote and sent a "Dear James" letter bundle, and I made plans for tomorrow. Just in case tonight gets too hard I know tomorrow will be a better day. 

I think after the last three weeks for tonight I can love me anyway.