Give you (Scraps)

My limbs are stiff with rage, pent up and locked in to place. Salty tears burn my skin and I try to remind myself that hitting isn't an option. That my fist doesn't need to smash into the computer screen. I don't want to be confined to the screen. I want bloody lips, slow dancing, loud screaming, rock chucking. 

But, we don't always get what we want. The truths that manage to sneak themselves in always amaze me. The stilted awkwardness is creeping in. Some conversations are best had over fire, on the beach, while in bed... In need more mediums. Maybe. 

The end of this post got lost in internet mishaps, and while I figure that is okay - I wanted to share the start of the spin that lead to me spending 24+ hours at NAIT.

*sish* Love me anyway? 

Wanted, Words .. and You.

I wanted to give you words, instead you'll get fragments. You don't have to follow all the jump cuts, just try to follow. As always, try to love me anyway. Maybe. 

I find it oh, so, funny how much I enjoy saying maybe. Quietly under my breath or scrawled repeatedly in the middle of letters. Tell me maybe and I'll want to scream. Use okay when I need you to use yes or no and it will cut me. And yet, will drag under my skin when someone else utters it at the wrong time. Such simple words a long forged stumbling block, and yet ... maybe, oookay. They've turned into rhythms under my tongue, offer flesh in angled black text for my teeth to chew on. They slipped in when I wasn't looking and turned in to a cloak. 

I often ask too many questions. Bright and dazzling questions that sear a little going in and coming out. Soft and cloudy questions that nudge. Bold and clunky questions that often get lost from their throat to my ears. Sometimes I am very good at playing the get to know you game and yet, oh and how, other times I simply am not. 

I started getting scared of this platform. I'm not sure when I stopped being willing to dance naked, to just simply fill the space with the raw, the aw and all the rest.  Guilt started coloring my already crooked lenses. Who was I to sit here and spiral out of control for the world to see?  Who was ever going to fall in love with me, when right here laid bare was the worst of me. How could I let the people who do love me read about the dark, ugly parts of me. I already make it so hard for them to love me, how could I make it harder? 

The silence was so overwhelming. Structure never really applied. How was I to bridge all the gaps, keep a proper record with out having people wanting to send in the guards? Was I prideful to think that I could spin this? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't really want to know. I want to believe better of myself. I don't want to look at Borderline and cringe at my youth, at the follies, at the blunders, at the pits, at the highs. 

I'm looking at Borderline and trying to figure out how to awkwardly embrace it until the awkward fades to grace. 

There are so many things I can't tell you. Not because I don't want to, but because I simply do not know. However, I can tell you that my name is Katrine, I'm 23 and before my 24th birthday I'll have started DBT.

As I was trying to find away to close this post I decided to look back in the archives to see if I had written an entry on June 23, 2010.  I did.  In fact on June 23, 2010 I almost gave up on the idea of Borderline, on finding Katrine. I almost let myself slip away. My mother, the unbreakable , remember? She left me a comment thanking me for taking a step towards me. I know I haven't shown you all the steps from that night to this moment, but I know I've taken some big ones. 

I also know that on that night, I couldn't have even begin to describe all the wonders the next 365 days had in store for me. So...

Dear Katrine,

If you happen to look back in a year, wondering if it was worth it. If your mind is full of questions. Be still for a moment and know. Think back to the magic of  listening to Can't Go Back Now on repeat, how you had pretty hair, how you didn't have to see your smile to feel it. Picture it all, and know that if you could love yourself in that moment, you can do it again. You will do it again. Let the moments filter back in, and know that part of why I can love you in this moment right now is the same reason I could love you back then.

I promise you that you will figure this out, if you haven't already. After all we are richly blessed. 

Love,

Katrine.

~ ~ ~

As for the rest of you, thank you for being apart of the story.

One side of the coin

I'm just one side of the coin, and yet as my skin is flushed and the cool breeze isn't enough - I am left wondering if it should be more oh me and less oh you. Will I always be offering more words, more push, just more? As I still 'pay the price' for an amazing weekend - that managed to flash by with few wobbly moments, I can't help gasp at the thought, that I might not see any of you, or just you for over 6 months .

Am I the only one who is feeling heart broken? Did I set us up for failure when I pointed out you knew where to find me, if you wanted to say hello.

Maybe. I'm still convinced we'll have one day, even if we don't have today.