I gave into the spin, and I fell. I stood slightly to far left and started drowning in judgement. My blood wanted to drip down frozen arms, my heart wanted to escape. I tried to stand still to let my heart catch up, to sooth the angry voices yelling in my ear - but in the end I walked out. Got a refund, and walked away crying, hating ever inch, every pound, every scar.
I don't know what is happening to me, I cant escape judgment, I'm loosing patience, if it's not perfect I don't want it. I made room. I made room for the big personality, the big hips, the big moods, the big stack of learning. I set up the new year to have balance. I reached out and I thought I'd be doing so well, so why am I falling? Why am I failing? Why does my mouth taste like hate and my throat burns with all the times I didn't scream.
If I could flick the switch I would, the world looks so empty. I'm being poisoned with my own self hate.
Oh God, I give it all to you, I call out to the heavens and pray that you sooth my angry heart. Help me God find something to hold on to, help me Lord turn to the light because the dark is gripping so tightly and I am so scared.
Oh God, Love me anyway - because I can't anymore.
Part one accomplished - you made room for BIG. Big everything. You planned, and accepted that you don't seem to do anything in small measure.
ReplyDeleteThe second struggle is the harder part, and I think most of the world is keeping you company in that (I know I am!). Making room for yourself, accepting that all of you is there and arranging your life in a way that matches how you work, isn't remotely the same as actually *Liking* the person you made that room and arrangements for. No amount of planning will make you like yourself, but it *will* give you a chance to know her better without as much of your life seeming to run away on you. That's as much as you can expect from it.
God sends reassurances in many different ways, and sometimes if we can't hear a response, he sends messengers. ~hugs~ Love will come in to you from all around. You have all my happy thoughts and hopes tonight, and I will talk to you soon.
~T
It's okay to have down times, K. That's part of the balance in the universe. Maybe it's seasonal, too, so keep warm and get some sleep. Rooting for you! You've come a long way over the past year.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes,
Nancy