Being Kind - Letting the world rewind.

I feel like I spent the past few months cliff diving. I let April trail into May without peep from me. There have been moments when I longed to reach out and muddle through text, brush off cobwebs and slip into Borderline.

Is it it just me who finds it funny, the first time I sit down to write in weeks my phone rings three times. Moments apart. Three different people wanting some part of my attention till I am left sitting here feeling frustrated and spent.

I was going to talk about finding ways to be kind, giving ourselves time.  I was going to try to catch up on the Borderline. Share peeks of the adventures and wandering - strongly filtered with my need to be kind. Slightly tainted, wondering if I'm about to trip.

The buzzing in my head got too loud. I'm sorry for the lack of Borderline. 

Things I Cannot Do.

Fall. 

I cannot rush of into dream land, holding your hand, pretending that I'll be more then a bump in the road. It is to much. It is not enough. It is hot tears and a cool breeze. 

Love you. 

Because that isn't how the story ends. I'll just be the smudge on a page, the girl with messy hair hiding in her messy bed cursing possibilities. 

~ Let me know when I wake up. 

Tomato red

My lips are currently tomato red. My eyes are blood shot and the lack of good sleep is catching up. I'm starting to feel like the white rabbit always running late, but is it an important date?  The beat burst in the background and I'm spinning side to side in my computer chair.

My tongue is taunted by the taste of tea. My body still softly vibrating from being spun around my bedroom this morning. My morning routine has started to include dancing to one song before leaving the house. Letting my limbs feel freedom had been fun.

I thought I might have more to say, but apparently not.

Dream Me Away

Maybe tomorrow I'll go dancing in the streets.  Having dreams are scary. I've been tipping the deck. If I look down all I see is me, in pieces. If my veins were zippers I'd slip off my skin. I miss drinking in tomorrow from someone else's lips.

I should be piecing myself together, but lately I lay in the yellow bed waiting to be ripped apart. I stare at myself in the mirror. Paint my face awake and wonder if I'll do or die. I stand in the kitchen and feel the room spinning, edging me to start cliff jumping.

Playing other people leaves me drunk on a haze I can't figure out how to shift. It feels like my friends are drifting. I keep shattering. I just want to be done, but dreams are scary. If someone came to me tomorrow and promised that it could all be blown away, I'm not sure what I'd say. Dreams are scary. Bloody lips are so inviting. Teeth marks such a promise.

Best friend in so many ways always meant you, never really meant me.

If I could be born again I'd want to be a firefly.

The ocean might always remind me of death.

Slushies are better then you, they don't cut. I'm always finding ways to drown. I promise mum I'll learn to fly before you die. Dreams are scary, but I've got a hope chest and I've got the sky and one day I'm going to be an awesome grown up. One day I'll know wellness and wellness will know me.

For today I'm doing my best.  My best still wants you to love me anyway.

-K