I'm fine or fire?

I'm running and I'm crying and it's okay. The beat sneaks in and wraps me up. The lyrics slip in and gag the screaming. The louder the music the bigger the disconnect. So just lose it. Please tell me why I'm here again? I should be running down to grab my lunch. Finding away to plug in to tutoring so I don't have to sit in class and see another green 74% scrawled atop of my exam.

I've lost the beat. I can't get the volume loud enough. So this sad attempt to beat out the blood and bile from the back of my throat has just left made it spin harder. The poet slams down love. Something fierce as I turn tune in joy on the radio. Hoping to find the shining light  that scares away the monsters of doubt.

The dragon will be slayed, the spin warped into expression. This to shall fucking well pass. Till then I pound on my heart begging it to love me anyway.

At least do that much, something has to sooth the fire.

- K

Captured and Thanks

The captured moments between screaming and bleeding are surprisingly soft. Sometimes even sweet. My life isn't all dark. I'm not always fighting the edge, drowning in blood or frozen. In so many ways I am richly blessed. Joy tugs at my lips, love flutters from my wrists and I see wonder almost daily. Yet I find capturing those moments so much harder. The light slips from my hands and I'm left wondering if it was all a dream. 

I am not empty. I am not over. I am not near the end. I am sometimes blue and unwell, that is true. 

It amazes me to see Borderline grow. I sit here letting  Not the Prettiest  flood my ears. Songs on repeat make the best traps. Lip gloss is a wonderful invitation and I just wanted to thank the collection of people who have found Borderline and stuck around. I can't tell you where the story is going. DBT is still a year away. I've got loose leaf plans.

I can tell you, that I'm currently smiling. I can tell you that I'm spinning in my chair. I can tell you that right now there is enough of K to love me anyway. I can tell you that I'm going to be geeky tonight. I can tell you that my heart has a song. Or a song has my heart. I could tell you about boys with floppy hair. I could tell you that my Mum is back from India. 

I could tell you it will be an adventure, but I think you already know that. 

So, thank you and love. 

Anyway love,

             K

p.s  "You don't have to be prettiest to be loved, just the way you are."

10 Minutes

I'm not sure how to start talking in text today. I have a laundry list of things to share, stories to ramble, words to spin. If you want to be a writer, you write. Sounds simple, and yet I look at my fingers and wonder if they'll be the key, my escape path., a way to the top.

My platonic wife says I write beautifully, even if it's sometime in code. My mother says I have talent. Meanwhile I cut into soft flesh with simple little keystrokes and  try to capture the monsters.



For now, my 10 minutes have fled and I've got to run to class. Love me anyway? Always?

- K x

Fight the No

I gave into the spin, and I fell. I stood slightly to far left and started drowning in judgement. My blood wanted to drip down frozen arms, my heart wanted to escape. I tried to stand still to let my heart catch up, to sooth the angry voices yelling in my ear - but in the end I walked out. Got a refund, and walked away crying, hating ever inch, every pound, every scar.

I don't know what is happening to me, I cant escape judgment, I'm loosing patience, if it's not perfect I don't want it. I made room. I made room for the big personality, the big hips, the big moods, the big stack of learning. I set up the new year to have balance. I reached out and I thought I'd be doing so well, so why am I falling? Why am I failing? Why does my mouth taste like hate and my throat burns with all the times I didn't scream.

If I could flick the switch I would, the world looks so empty. I'm being poisoned with my own self hate.

Oh God, I give it all to you, I call out to the heavens and pray that you sooth my angry heart. Help me God find something to hold on to, help me Lord turn to the light because the dark is gripping so tightly and I am so scared.

Oh God, Love me anyway - because I can't anymore.