After Math

Sometimes guilt sneaks in over at Borderline, over here. I hate coloring over all the moments that work: the happy, the good, the calm, the blessedly easy moments with: anger, frustration, tears, or complaints. I worry that I come across as a one dimensional diagram. I worry that I'm all take and no give. That I hit the wrong note, that I don't make it easy to love, that I hide away part of the richness of Borderline. Part of the richness of me.  

The music changes and my skin finds just a moment to breath, and for a moment, for a time, for now - it doesn't matter that I'm over tired, doesn't matter that I've got two hours of tutoring tonight or a math exam I'm not really ready for tomorrow. It doesn't matter that I felt ugly today. Doesn't matter that I feel like I was acting ugly today. The music sinks in and winds me down. 90 degree spins left and right on my computer chair as my shoulders roll. Bliss finds me even as my nose stings raw from blowing. My lips chapped red and green, icing will do that you see. My eyes hot and dry. Yet bliss still finds me. The bliss still takes me away, and the gift of knowing that one day I'm going to be so much more then okay rubs the stiffness out of my neck. 

I haven't found a way to bottle this feeling, it doesn't take kindly to traps but oh, oh oh oh, Yes. It's dancing on the sand dunes at Southport, it's looking over the rolling green while walking the Swiss Alps, it's my mother commenting in amazement about the landscape in somewhere USA, it's laying in green grass and watching clouds, it's the first bite of pineapple and that kiss, it's hot water and a cool breeze, it's yellow bed happiness, it's jumping into the lake at first light. . . it's so many moments captured, and triggered by acceptance and letting the music in. Fluttering across my flushed skin, slowly making room for a cool breeze. 

I hit a snap today, I burned up, burned bright and had so much trouble regulating. My brain was pounding, boldfaced, underlined, questioning how I was going to deal with all the emotions. It wasn't pretty, and it wasn't 'good.'  Tuning into this moment of bliss, of calm, of connectedness - was just the other side of Borderline.

My brain isn't trying to eat me, not always - and sometime I'd swear it's a gift. In this moment I choose to let it be a gift. In other moments I might scream and call it a curse. Slowly I start to learn it, learn how to make it work for me, one day I'll love it.  

Honor your brain, honor the borderline, and when you can, chose the gift. 

Always love, 

K