Standing on Cracks (Loving My Mother Back)

Greece

Cracks, I've been told they break mother's backs. Not my mother mind you - I'd like to think she  is unbreakable. I do have  a few fuzzy snapshots frozen in place from when she has not been able to be oh so solid - but they're fuzzy. I can pretend it was all just a dream; my mother the unbreakable.

I want to point out that: my mother the teacher, even in her moments of fragility has taught me how to live, how to be, how to have grace, how to let live - and let God.

Not that she hasn't had reason to break - not that she has never been battered and bruised by life. I can't imagine describing her world as easy. After all she was gifted me, and I'm fairly sure it goes with out saying
that I wasn't an easy gift. Not after all that got lost - and all she might have wanted from the universe. I know she'd say she'd gained a lot too.  That helps. When life shudders over me and I sit, spinning into tizzies, wondering why. Looking back at how deep some of my actions have cut.

Making faces

Yet she is my mum, my mummy; I love her anyway - always and forever.  Even when my skin is screaming; when I'm stepping on cracks; when standing gets too hard. When I don't like her not even a little bit; I love her.

Isn't that how it works with our parents? If it works at all. I have little love for my father. My mum and I have worked hard to find a balance in our relationship - to have it be good.

No it's not mothers day, it's not even been a good day. We aren't currently in the same time zone, I haven't gotten to hug her for over a year and yet ... I love her; she's my mother. She was the gift given to me and when I'm standing on cracks I don't always admit that she loves me, anyway. 

It is enough. Even when I'm cursing the sky and swearing that it isn't. It is, I promise it is. When you can, when it's safe - let your parents love you. Let you family buffer you from the world. We need all the help we can get. 

In this moment, I am still feeling small and fragile; however, my mother has given me enough to let me love you all, anyway. Thank you for being part of my dance, for joining the Borderline.

Dancing in Greece.

Oh us brave and daring Nielsen women. How we love. How we dance. My love, my thanks -all for the amazing woman dancing next to me who teaches me joy. See, it is enough. Love! K

Being Kind - Letting the world rewind.

I feel like I spent the past few months cliff diving. I let April trail into May without peep from me. There have been moments when I longed to reach out and muddle through text, brush off cobwebs and slip into Borderline.

Is it it just me who finds it funny, the first time I sit down to write in weeks my phone rings three times. Moments apart. Three different people wanting some part of my attention till I am left sitting here feeling frustrated and spent.

I was going to talk about finding ways to be kind, giving ourselves time.  I was going to try to catch up on the Borderline. Share peeks of the adventures and wandering - strongly filtered with my need to be kind. Slightly tainted, wondering if I'm about to trip.

The buzzing in my head got too loud. I'm sorry for the lack of Borderline.