Written in Steam

Fear walks a half-step behind and clouds of gray gather overhead, and yet I've built a safe place. I embrace bliss and sigh with the contentment that only hot water and steam can bring. Yet I'm scared. Terrified of enough, happy, and falling ... well falling out of control. 

The bridge looks so inviting. The dark so familiar. The storm so soothing in it's chaos. 

The problem? 

Contentment. 

I have reached for the light often in the last few days. I have found ways to balance and to accept, and now I'm terrified of falling. My life is working and I'm terrified of it breaking. The more I invest - the better life gets - the more I have to lose. 

So I have 'a' plan, and it's wobbly and it is fluid, and in motion, and will probably grow, change and adapt as it needs to.

A few highlights: 

Finding mantras, quotes, and sayings that I know to be true. 

Being kind to myself, and being brave and being honest with what I want, and what I'm willing to do to get it. 

Making new connections, and friends while keeping and treasuring the old.

<3 

Love me anyway, and do it loudly. 

- K 

Learning - K

Fingers creak over keys, scared to tap deep, scarred from over use, to much truth and the demons hiding under my finger nails. Blink out and suddenly I’m erasable, fully disposable. This is a lie. It has to be a lie, I can’t afford to curl up and almost die, or forget to fly, or wash away the sunny paint that covers my faded dreams and childish need to scream. I do not berate myself for coming undone, for blotchy skin that is a sure sign to tears that I have spent unwisely, loudly, disruptively, selfishly.  This to is a lie, and yet it is okay.  I will make it okay, I grant myself permission to fall. I give over to the dark and the bad and the never will I ever breath again.

--

I wrote that after walking back from my latest exam feeling crushed. Last night after hitting my head against the 'proverbial wall' about my lab, life and slowly I started to come undone. I think it is more likely that I am never really 'done up' but feeling like losing when really, I'm learning.

Yes.

Learning.

I - am - learning.

Not just of physics, and how to unwind strings of numbers or how to predict chemical reactions; however, that's another story for another time. The simple message from all the ranting and tearing covered in poor grammer is that I was hurting. I am hurting sometimes. Sometimes I am undone, or sad, or angry and all these feelings are okay -because I have the key to unlocking them.

See, I am learning, but it would be nice if you could love me anyway

I walk

For better or worse,

 " The record shows I took the blows and did it my way.  Yes, it was my way." - Frank Sinatra 

This song and my grandfather have been in my mind a lot this week. I've had an amazing last few days, when it comes to self regulating - finding balance even with in the storm. With Friday just coming into view I almost dare to say I've had my first week of school with out any major meltdowns. Not because this week was out triggers, far from it. I'm just doing things my way. It doesn't come easy but it is coming.

I hope you and yours are well. Have my love, for today I love me anyway. Then go out and do something your way. ;) 

- Katrine 

71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76

Tuesday

Papers Papers Papers or thats how it feels anyway. Getting everything in gear for NAIT on Saturday for the welcome party and then Monday's orientation is a bit overwhelming. Thankfully Fox was amazing and I spent an hour or so over at his house getting help from Bear. I managed to get things printed off, Bear had tons of old but in good shape school supplies and it was a really positive reminder that I have friends and they do care. :)

Wednesday

I watched the 30 min orientation video for new students. Went shopping for grocerys, and I'm really working on getting my sleep schedule back in gear.

Thursday
Cleaned my room, put away laundry, still juggling getting back into a normal sleep cycle.

Friday

I got S*'s birthday gift together, went out to game and managed to enjoy the large mix of new and old people. Going to bed early enough that I get enough sleep to really enjoy tomorrows outing at NAIT.

Saturday

Really great day at NAIT, was able to talk to a few people casually, watched an awesome show with a hypnotist, got some free swag, ate a free lunch, picked up some of my course materials, picked my student ID and UPass sticker. I then spent the rest of the day with my platonic wife. It was lovely to spend time, go shopping, eat dinner and watch Coupling together.

Sunday

I went to game and it was good relaxing and laughing with people. I've laid out my outfit for tomorrow and my  backpack is already to go. I also spent the evening looking at the campus map and coping my class schedule into my handbook. Plus I've looked at some bus routs to make sure I'm ready for the upcoming semester that starts ... TOMORROW! :) I tried to get to sleep but after 45min of not sleeping I'm up watching Sunday t.v and blogging. It's now just over an hour before I'm supposed to wake up and so I'm a bit worried about how tomorrow is going to go - but I'm going to make it work. I also spotted a problem with my Rogers account and was able to fix it! Go me. :)