Unplugged ~ Chat with Mccay

As I look around the library, music leaking in my ears from over used headphones. I know I'm not alone. Someone here, must be feeling like me. The world is simply to small for me to be alone with my feelings. Admittedly I don't currently believe it - but I know it to be true.

At this point I know I have come so far down the rabbit hole that I am unplugged. A wandering puppet with no strings that tug. I explained to Mccay that I'm either blocking everything, felt nothing and it was keeping me safe, and while I was breathing I wasn't living. It also means that smaller triggers set me off since I'm shielding so hard from myself. The solution - well that depends but I've been told to try mindfulness. Replace the judgement with, it is what it is mindset.

Running out of treatment options is scary, waiting for the last one is frustrating. The hospital whispers soothingly to me. It would in some ways be easy to slip back into the system I hate. It would mean that groups would be a must again, that hiding would be harder. I'm not so close to that particular ledge that I need to be in the hospital but I do think it would be one way to jump start me.

I need to find another way. Shutting people out just shut me off. Mindfulness, and finding something that makes me commit. That takes me away from they newly white washed wall that is my mind these days. My paint box is only empty as I make it. It's time to look for color. The big bag whispers what if, and taunts that I can't handle the color that I can't handle my personal brand of fire. Cheap tricks and idle threats don't scare me, to much, and so I pray and reach for the paint box.

Love me anyway. K