57. 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63

Tuesday

A missed appointment with Mccay means the day didn't start well. Under slept and scared really isn't a nice place to be in. Thankfully I was able to call the hospital and he can see me tomorrow. I managed to talk myself out of food shopping - I was to tired, it was to late in the day, for most of the day I just wasn't hungry. I did take out the trash and spend some time enjoying the early evening sky. I spend some time catching up with not my he after his trip. I also went for a walk and treated myself to a dinner out on the town. I'm still up to late, still tired, still unsure but I'm also still breathing, still finding ways to enjoy the sky, finding shiny pieces of art, connecting with a community and making room for support. (Plus I really didn't want to blog tonight, and I managed to open up the stark white screen and let my fingers talk while my lips pouted.)

Wednesday

Appointment with Mccay. I was early, he was late. It was still really good to see him. Spent time in the library and blogged about the Mccay appointment. It's been a long while since I had a blog that had nothing to do with the daily updates of three things. Having a chance to share my thoughts and what was going on was really  soothing.  I spent most of the afternoon out of the house. Wandering around town center, went out for lunch, spent more time in the library and finally went shopping for groceries.

Thursday

Finally I caught up on some sleep. I made good good choices. I told the big bad Troll where to go. A small part of me for a moment was tempted by the drama, the possible attention, but he's just bad news. So I told him very firmly No, and it felt good.

Friday

I let my self be a bit girlie when I got ready for game. I have a hard time when I'm in the funk doing things like washing my hair, or picking nice clothes - but I took the time and enjoyed it. I didn't judge how I looked, I thought pretty thoughts and away I went. I went out and enjoyed being with my friend, trying something new thanks to La and seeing shiny boy. Oh - not to mention tying with a gaming mastermind!

Saturday

I let myself sleep, I curled up in my yellow bed with happy dreams and it was needed. It was lovely. I did massive amounts of laundry. I don't think I realized how much laundry I had till I was putting the first load in the washer. I let myself cry, my mum and I were talking on skype and the world felt too hard, too big, too everything and I cried and I ranted and I let it go. I didn't judge, I just felt and when I was all done I let my mum do what she does best. I let her love me.

Sunday 

I went for a short walk and didn't hide in my room refusing to leave the house, see people or game! I spent time out side and enjoyed the sun, enjoyed my slurpee and just enjoyed waiting for F to come get me. I ate to much. To much candy, to much pasta - bah. I ate to much and I know this and it is what it is and I'm not judging. I know that my natural instinct is to go for more. To have more, make more, but that leads to eating more. I need to work on being okay with 'enough' and what enough looks like. Baby steps all the way but for now I'm acknowledging what happened and I'm looking at ways to work with my head rather then punishing it. 

Monday 

I got a call from the debt collects on behalf of Asscare, and while it was a horrible way to wake up I managed to deal with it without breaking. I (after calling my mum to get the right spelling for Asscare) looked them up online. Called a bunch of numbers before finally getting a human that gave me a number for the billings department. The billings department happened to be in a meeting for most of the afternoon. I finally managed to talk to the billings department and will send off the extra paperwork tomorrow. I didn't cry, I didn't walk to edge and think about jumping, I just dealt. Don't get me wrong - I'm scared about what might happen and my finances are all ready pretty grim not including this scary huge hospital bill. I walked to game, caught up with Ms S and her boyfriend on the way. :) I'm really glad I was able to talk her into coming out. I managed to silly my way out of the funk. 

As I finish writing for tonight I know that this marks 9 weeks of finding K and it's not always been easy, it's often been messy but it does mostly help. When I let it, it's a great tool to look for the good, and helps keep me away from the pit of judgement. I know I have work to do, but I'm breathing and I know for a lot of people that aint nothing special but I'm celebrating small victories. 

Love me anyway, K