Maybe I've been giving to much of myself away to spend any real time in blog land. I've been updating and not posting for the last four days. My words lacked any real depth or passion. So the highlights, the three things I did each day to find me. Well they vary. Some are big and shiny, others small and not so glittery. However I'm sharing them because maps show pitfalls and mountains.
Wednesday *
Spun so fast. I went for chai with a new cool person. I went to the movies with D, E and F. I then played and games with D and E. Having people, new people, old people and shiny things to do with them made Wednesday lovely.
Thursday *
Saw my brain brake. Smashed against the wall by the end of the night. The day started with little sleep. I can clearly see when the crash started to hit and I went into hiding. In with all the angst, I went exploring a new part of Edmonton with S, got active in a few different ways and found my way off but not over the edge.
Friday *
I got kidnapped for sushi and it was nice to feel wanted and it was awesome to be surprised. I came out of hiding because I was pulled and because missing game night later would be to depressing. However in all the adventure I let myself leave the house twice, folded and put away laundry and mostly rolled with reality.
Saturday *
I napped even after going to bed at a reasonable hour. My body chose sleep over sniffles and I went with it . I sent off a few emails. Emails do make me smile. I also looked at job postings. Saturday honestly felt like a dud. I got let down over the weekend and it was hard coping with the rejection. However I'm still breathing. Gold star for me!
Sunday *
I felt battered, bruised and in need of people so I spent time with Mr. D. It was silly and easy and most of all, it was good. I also went out for walking and busing. A big step when I could have waited for a Fox to take me to game. Plus game! Going to game being around shiny people and letting D tell story. That totally counts. Sunday night left me with spinning crazy brain and an overdose on junk food.
Monday *
Three weeks and I'm still kicking. I've hit some rough patches and almost fallen off the edge more often then I want to admit. I've let bad habits creep in now and then, but a lot less then they normally do. The dark spots have been darker but fewer. That does make me scared to run too fast back into the world. I feel myself slowly starting to spin and I want to push and dance. Yet I don't think I could handle the crash and burn so I take slow steps and I gamble and I hope I have enough to hold onto. My three things. Well I called and left a message with IA, I looked at jobs, I called for a lift when I didn't think I would leave the house due to storm and rain, I helped make game more awesome by making sure J got invited, I picked up a package, wrote and sent a "Dear James" letter bundle, and I made plans for tomorrow. Just in case tonight gets too hard I know tomorrow will be a better day.
I think after the last three weeks for tonight I can love me anyway.
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