Tuesday
Blah. "Bullet points are beneath me," is my current mantra, but I was left with little inspiration on Tuesday. I ended up looking around my room and picking three task just to get it over with. I picked up my floor (that is now again a mess.) I did laundry. I was a good little grown up and sent of more, give me a job letters. I even talked on the phone with a woman about a job (that I didn't get because I don't drive.) Can you feel the meh just rolling off Tuesday? It's shameful really. So just in case you missed them - room cleaning, laundry, and world of job hunting are my three things.
Wednesday
I swear this week feels like it's over. Half way isn't far enough for me. Cranky is typing this, Katrine's hiding under the bed. I made it to NAIT a few minutes early and surprisingly prepared for the hour display of me and my brain. I also was given a few handy contacts to call. I walked home from the transit center after a detour to a local restaurant for a late late lunch. It's mostly in the budget and I wanted to take me out for a treat. Boys might not call me back - but I do. To recap my three things; bus, brain display, treating Miss K.
Thursday
I didn't fall apart when my 'date' didn't show up. I managed to get a job interview for tomorrow. I let the evening unwind and while it wasn't gaming with the guys, or spending time at BP's with the cool kids it was good. I helped my platonic wife, talk to the boy out of my league, caught up on old memories, wrote a letter, played in the rain, ate a crap load of pasta (but didn't order pizza,) chatted with my mum, drew two maps. I road the underside of the wave and I did okay. I let life spin slowly around me and I didn't fall over. The big bads tried to eat me, and at some points I thought I was breaking but I'm still here. Still whole. Still finding three ways everyday to find Katrine.
Thursday
I didn't fall apart when my 'date' didn't show up. I managed to get a job interview for tomorrow. I let the evening unwind and while it wasn't gaming with the guys, or spending time at BP's with the cool kids it was good. I helped my platonic wife, talk to the boy out of my league, caught up on old memories, wrote a letter, played in the rain, ate a crap load of pasta (but didn't order pizza,) chatted with my mum, drew two maps. I road the underside of the wave and I did okay. I let life spin slowly around me and I didn't fall over. The big bads tried to eat me, and at some points I thought I was breaking but I'm still here. Still whole. Still finding three ways everyday to find Katrine.
Friday
I got slapped in the face with crazy. For all my good intentions one can not simply blog away borderline personality disorder. I managed to claw myself out of the ditch crazy threw me in. Empty still equals eating. Ranting and crying really do purge a body. Reaching out repeatedly till I found something to stand on. Heck all the things I did to not let the crazy completely take over more then count for my three things to find Katrine.
Just to prove crazy didn't completely win, I left the house early (never mind that ETS was running slow.) When I couldn't make the day work I called and canceled instead of hiding under the nearest bus. I let myself cry, pout, rage and then slowly got up and got ready for the rest of my day. Spending time talking to mum, getting pretty for friends and enjoying game night and many ice-cream sandwiches
Saturday
I played pretend capture the flag. I napped away the afternoon because I was still tired. I hide in the cool basement away from the heat with a book. I made pasta with veggies and didn't order pizza. There are so many things I could have done today and didn't and I'm trying really hard to be okay with that. Triggering the big bad won't make today better. So maybe I didn't dig deep, or push myself out of bed but I've decided that's what I needed. * I ended up cleaning my room. My reward was walking to the 7'11 and getting a slurpee and some pick n' mix.
Sunday
I hid and pouted. I whinged and I wined. I went for a walk to nowhere and on the way back I stopped and bought groceries. My mission might have been a failure but I found ways to salvage it. I was feeling more stomped on then I wanted to admit. I ended up calling mum on the way home just to cry and sing the poor is me song. I finally ordered pizza, and I enjoyed every bite. I figured if the universe wanted to trick me into a walk and the post office wanted to be closed and the poor me song only made me cry the best thing I could do was take the next Anita Blake book and enjoy the last bit of my weekend. I need to find other ways to heal, I also need to find ways to love myself again. Thankfully the night really ended with trashy t.v, a summer storm long over due, and finally some fun.
Monday
6 weeks of me telling my sorry, silly, crazy, not always so pretty tale. I keep trying to commit to doing other things for me now that I've got the daily three mostly under my belt. I'm finding it hard and sometimes triggering. Focusing on the 'now' and today, I've booked an appointment for more brain testing. This time for school. I walked to game and enjoyed it. I spent time with my friends and managed to find balance. I also managed to write a pretty cool part of the story. Finally, although I've already hit more then three, I tumbled into the past. Quite by accident - and instead of tearing me apart it made me feel stronger. A little better for all my wear and tear.
Maybe I can love myself /just a bit/ anyway.
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